Your Friendly Guide to Robots

Did you know President Obama's trip to India costs $200 million per day?

2010-11-10T20:21:00.003-05:00

Fox News is "reporting" that President Obama's trip to India costs an astounding $200 million per day!

Here's what $200 million/day gets you on a trip to India:

40 planes
30 bomb-sniffing dogs
34 warships
1 aircraft carrier
6 armored cars
500 rooms at the Taj Mahal hotel
An entourage of 3000
The cast of HBO's "Entourage"
5 golden rings
Hourly wage for Hank Azaria to translate all speeches into the voice of Apu
A week's worth of Mc Rib sandwiches, flown in daily on the space shuttle
Daily Death Panel tax (Part of the new health care bill!!!1)
The only iPhone 4 that works regardless of how you hold it (Obama doesn't want to miss out on any exciting tweets.)
Free tech support. For life..

It's on the internet, it must be true!

Thanks, Fox News!

Essential viewing for those learning to drive...

2010-05-01T12:29:00.002-04:00

This should be a required viewing prior to taking any drivers' license exam... anywhere... at any age.

Thanks Jalopnik!

And while you're visiting Jalopnik.... be sure to check out this unemployed robot hilariousness. It's good times for all.
Jalopnik, again.

Your Friendly Guide to Robots Comments Section: your source for unsolicited chinese video chat links!

2010-04-22T23:32:00.001-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen!

Come one, come all... to the greatest collection of unsolicited porn links the internet has ever seen..

Okay, that's probably not true... but... still... have you checked out my comments? There's a lot of chinese porn links in there. From now on, I'm going to assume a large percentage of my readership is in the asian porn market and custom tailor my content to match. Where can you go to find "online most sexy and most gentle host are all here, waiting to meet with you, with video chat" (thanks google translate!)? Probably a number of places better than this blog. Some of them might even have pictures!

Now I know I haven't exactly been good about updating this blog, or writing about stuff people want to read, or even posting coherent passages that could be considered to fall within the category of "writing," but that's all about to change. Now. Starting with this.

My first in a series of (let's say 1) advice columns for asian video chant porn sites.

****Today's topic: What not to put in your sexy video chat profile.*****

I'm not one to contradict the "Candid Taiwan University," but there are some things that just don't belong in a performer's profile. Age (even if fake), height, measurements... sure, these all belong and are expected. Favorite color? Why not. Blood type? No. Listen, you don't need to include your blood type in your sexy video chat online profile. It really isn't necessary. I don't often look at a woman and think "Oh man, that is some sexy O-negative." Really, it does not need to be there; it's kind of creepy. If I saw a web page advertising "hot B- on AB+ action" I probably wouldn't click on it (okay, I would, but that's not the point). If I were looking for a site connecting kidney donors with perspective patients, yes. If I'm looking for a "Student body moving charming sister, usually nice, and sometimes naughty and mischievous," no...

And on an unrelated note... I do NOT want to know what you're going to do with that bottle of green tea.

Welcome to the future.

2010-03-24T22:25:00.003-04:00

NASCAR recently announced it would introduce fuel injection for the 2011 season. Car of Tomorrow, welcome to today (if today were 1980).

Here are some other advancements on the way:

Transistor radios

Cable television

Ladies... in the workplace

Electronic typewriters

Cordless phones

and... uh... let's say Pasteurization

I don't like NASCAR. I guess that's what I'm getting out.

Ways in which the world will NOT end, according to the movie "2012"

2010-03-08T20:34:00.003-05:00

1. Gay Marriage

2. Giant radioactive arctic spiders

3. Single-Payer health care systems

4. The 2nd Coming of Christ

5. 16 year old girls getting dumped

6. The 3rd Coming of Christ

7. Cap and Trade legislation

8. Teenage pregnancy pacts

9. Giant Mayan bird-god thing

10. Plausible scientific phenomena

I finally finish installing Windows 7 Release Candidate 214 days later.

2010-02-27T11:02:00.002-05:00

And now... the exciting conclusion.

Windows 7 Release Candidate install journal, day 214.

Installation status bar finally reached 100%.

It was a hard journey, and I thank my friends and family for their constant support. The numerous food and care packages I have received during this arduous process were greatly appreciated. The days were long, the task at hand sometimes grueling. Manually reformatting my hard drive with a pen knife and twine took practice and patience. Personal information was sacrificed, such as:

My social security number

Date of Birth

Complete genome

Name of first pet.

I now have had the pleasure of using windows 7 for 5 minutes since the completing the install, and I must say the results are incredible. The sacrifices to my job performance, relationships with family and friends, upkeep on my house, and personal hygiene were definitely worth the improvement in virtual memory management and graphics rendering over windows vista.

I now look forwards to showering, clearing the mounds of mountain dew cans and moldy cheetos, and showering again.

Also, you would not believe the new version of Solitaire they have on this. It is wicked awesome!

I attempt to instal the Windows 7 Release Candidate

2009-07-28T21:41:00.003-04:00

Fed up with Windows Vista, I decided it was time to see what all this Windows 7 fuss is about. Haven't heard of Windows 7? Yeah, me neither. Nevertheless, I'm throwing caution to the wind and installing it on my PC (don't worry Apple fans, my MacBook is safe).

Turns out, Microsoft is practically giving away free copies of Windows 7 (in the sense that they are actually giving away free copies) for trial before the official release. I downloaded mine sunday night.

There are two versions-- x86 (for 32-bit processors) and x64 (for 64-bit processors). Turns out, I actually have a 64 bit processor.... So I'll be installing that. wheeeee.

First thing's first: I backed up my music, movies, and photos onto my 1 TB external HD. Sorry, saved games. You get to experience the wrath of a reformat.

Yes, that R word. Reformat. When 64-bit processors first came out, the device support wasn't all that great... so I went with the 32-bit Vista. You can upgrade from a 32-bit vista install to a 32-bit Windows 7 install without reformatting... but you can't go 32 to 64. That's okay... I needed to clean my hard drive anyway. . .

The download comes in the form of an .ISO file. You need some kind of DVD burning software to write an .ISO to DVD. I used a freebie from download.com. The burning was surprisingly quick.

Next step was to restart the computer and boot from the DVD drive. After a brief wait, a pretty blue screen (not of death) appeared. After a rather longish wait, a dialogue box greeted me. What language? English, please.

And that brings us all up to date with everything that has happened up to this point. Comments will now be in real time.

I'm now presented with a dialogue box prompting me to install. I have a big button "Install Now" and two smaller text links ("What to know before installing Windows," and "Repair your computer"). Guess which one I chose.

"Setup is starting..."

I like that Microsoft chose to tag an ellipse onto that. Gives a sense of anticipation.

Now, I wait. Holy crap! something just happened.

"Please read the license terms." Um, no. I'll just blindly click "I accept" like everyone else.

Good news, Everybody! apparently I don't have to reformat. Windows 7 installer will just copy all my vista files into something called Windows.old. I think this is kind of like what the bankruptcy courts did to GM and Chrysler. . . Just think of Vista as my PC's "toxic assets."

Now... more waiting. A lot more waiting. Many more ellipses, too. No estimate on how long the installation will take. Glad Microsoft finally gave up on that.

Time to take out the recycling and possibly fold laundry. I'll let you, my faithful reader (singular), know how things turn out (with the windows... not the laundry).

An Amerikajin in Toyotashi, Part San

2009-06-18T17:38:00.004-04:00

Day 3,4

Apparently dining in Japan is a lot like being a contestant on "Fear Factor." I've eaten sparrow. I've eaten what may or may not have been living squid. I've eaten Yuba with sea urchin sauce and salmon roe (ovaries). Delicious, all of them.

I would be the worst "fear factor" contestant ever.

Cars in Japan are quite different. They have two categories: one for normal cars, one for really tiny "kei" cars. The Kei cars are small, powered by engines of less than 1 Litre displacement, and don't even come close to meeting any safety standards. I want one.

Working with a considerable language barrier is somewhat difficult; my new favorite word is "wakarimasen" (I don't understand). I have a Japanese phrase book... Unfortunately, there are surprisingly few phrases related to making bumpers in that book.

Day, um... I'm finishing this a good 3 weeks since returning from Japan... Overall, the trip was good... minus the being stuck in detroit for 8 hours. I hate you, Delta.

Didn't find a Jinglish t-shirt for Leigh... guess that means I'll have to go back.

Oh... important lesson learned: Never drink with Australians--in ANY country.

An Amerikajin in Toyotashi, Volume II

2009-06-16T08:48:00.002-04:00

21:49 June 16.

Woke up early today to lound, unfamilar sounds. Might have been a godzilla attack. CNN International reported none.

Met a frenchman today. Thought about conversing in french, but decided the odds of our conversation dipping into "Ou est la biblioteque" were slim at best.

Worked all day. Motomachi plant is huge. The doors are all very polite--they greet you with a delightful female voice.

Bumpers did not go well. I demanded we try again tomorrow. It is hard to not look like an asshole when you are making request in a foreign language.

Ate at what I'm sure is the number one foreign bar in all of Toyota City. Kevin's is owned by a husband and wife team... they are delightful. I ate the sparrow and the squid. Kevin suggested I man not, in fact, be american. He suggested I was an alien instead. He might be right.

Sparrow tasted crunchy and adorable. I hope it was the same bird that followed me around CVG and DTW. take THAT, bird.

Japanese beer is surprisingly potent... and delicious. I think I'm going to bed.

sayonara.

An Amerikajin in Toyotashi, day 1

2009-06-15T08:07:00.004-04:00

It's 21:12 (9:12 PM), Monday, 15 June, 2009.

Arrived yesterday evening. 13 hour flight was... ok. I think my seat was made of plywood. Chose not to watch the movies ("He's Just Not That Into You" and "Hotel for Dogs"). Watched "Juno" on my iPod--great movie. Managed to get from Airport to Hotel without causing international incident. Good Job.

Hotel is very nice. Room is tiny, but with good view of the sprawling Toyota City below. I think room may be a robot. Bathroom is nice. Toilet is a another robot. Small control panel on side of toilet controls heated seat, "bidet", "spray", and water pressure. There is a warning sticker on my mirror... It is written in Kanji, so I cannot read. I assume it says "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear."

Shower head is level with my nose. Also, I have two bottles of ambiguous hair care product: Hair Tonic and Hair Liquid. One is blue, one is green.

Hotel has beer vending machine. I will use this.

Had a "free" day today, spent mostly reviewing paperwork and talking online to new friend Amanda. Watched CNN International, decided all news anchors should have english accents. Had a sandwich for breakfast--I think it was 80% mayonaise. Delicious.

Went for a walk/food hunt around noon. Tall, white, hairy guy with sunglasses blends right in... Bought some pens (co-worker said Japan has neat pens). Ate something with noodles and what may be pork. Delicious. Stopped by convenience store--much creepy Japanese porn on display. Very convenient. Bought some "Black Black" chewing gum with "Hi-Technical Excellent Taste and Flavor." Tastes like a mint fist punching you in the face, followed by a soothing herbal flavor. "Hi-Technical," indeed. Robot status of chewing gum pending judgement.

Found a Japanese toy story--I will go there. Goodbye money.

Took an epic nap. It was nice.

Tomorrow is first day of bumper trials. The excitement will never end.

Weather says high of 26 deg C with 60% chance of thunderstorms in the afternoon. 30% chance of Mothra attack.

Best news headline ever.

2009-06-09T23:57:00.002-04:00

CNN reporting:

2 dead, 1 missing after Slim Jim plant blast.

-This is why I don't eat slim jims.

I give a completely professional, unbiased review of the new Palm Pre smartphone.

2009-06-08T22:44:00.003-04:00

OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN THIS IS SOOOO AWESOME. LOOK HOW COOL IT IS IT'S ALL BLACK AND SHINY AND FITS IN THE PLAM OF MY HAND PLUS IT MULTITASKS AND HAS GPS AND WI FI AND COMBINES ALL OF MY CONTACTS FROM GOOGLE, FACEBOOK, ETC. SUPER AWESOME YEAH WOOHOO AWESOME. SUCK IT IPHONE.

Things my cat will eat, in order of preference.

2009-05-31T21:23:00.003-04:00

Things my cat will eat (in order of preference).

1. Plastic bags

2. Plastic, other

3. Houseplants

4. Toilet paper rolls, full

5. My MacBook*

6. My calves, when I first wake up (the earlier, the better)

7. Important bills/tax documents

8. Toilet paper rolls, bare

9. Paper, miscellaneous

10. Rice flakes cereal

11. Bugs, spiders, spiderwebs**

12. Cardboard boxes

13. Miniature Transformers action figures

14. That overpriced pet grass that supposedly will keep cats from eating houseplants

15. Anything I'm eating

16. Cat food

*Includes MacBook magnetic power cord.

**Unless I actually want him to eat a spider.

Some Lima, OH related plot ideas for the new FOX musical comedy "Glee."

2009-05-20T20:18:00.003-04:00

Wednesday night, Fox aired the pilot episode of a new musical comedy (which won't actually air again until the fall. Clearly, Fox is thinking). The new show, entitled "Glee," chronicles the "glee club" at a high school set in the fictional city of Lima, OH. (Or is it a fictional highschool set in the real city of Lima, OH? I didn't actually watch the show.)

As a former fictional resident of that fictional city, it is my civic duty to suggest some plot ideas that will tie the show to the rich heritage that is Lima.

Episode 101: Beans.

Faced with a dwindling economy, declining population, increased crime, failing schools, and crumbling infrastructure, the Glee club must search for a way to revitalize itself. The club considers a number of potential options, before finally settling on one clear winner: choosing a mascot. "Clearly, a mascot is what this club is missing. It will solve all our problems."

The mascot is a giant bean, who may or may not be stoned. Beanie.

Episode 112: No, seriously guys, everyone will get this.

The Glee club sings at Square Fair while eating Kewpees outside of Memorial Hall before taking a dip in the Schoonover Park pool. After that, the gang grabs some Joey's subs, then splits up. Some get caught snooping around the abandoned TB hospital. Others hang out near the refinery for no apparent reason. Someone gets pregnant.

The next day, the show is cancelled for airing an entire episode about things no one outside of Lima would care about.

Episode 104: The new guy.

Ratings falling, the shows producers bring on a new character: an extremely attractive, intelligent, and funny cellist/actor. He is incredibly awesome and obviously saves the Glee club with is immeasurable talents. Also, he is rich and has a lot of sex with hot girls. In the future, we seem in win an Academy Award, Nobel Peace Prize, and a Grammy (just for the hell of it). He saves the world and makes (even more) money by inventing a car that runs on sarcasm.

Also, he hangs out a lot with Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, and Tina Fey. Oh, and there's lots of sex.

I'll take my royalty checks any day now.

Thanks.

Pick Fives you won't find on Facebook.

2009-05-11T21:42:00.002-04:00

Five favorite STDs.
Five favorite irrational numbers.
Five terrifying things found under the couch in that disgusting house you lived in senior year of college.
Top five ways to count to five.
Five favorite facebook pick fives.

Mythbusters: Please investigate the myth, Kari Byron will you go out with me?

2009-05-10T00:29:00.004-04:00

Dear Mythbusters (Adam, Jamie, Tori, Grant, and Kari):

You are always asking your loyal viewers (me) to submit myths for you to investigate. Here is one to which I think you might want to devote an entire episode. The myth is as follows:

Kari Byron, will you go out with me?

This is a classic myth, most likely originating from colonial America (or possibly while sitting on the couch with my cat on a particularly lonely saturday night). In this myth, a young man (me, Matt Decker) asks your very own Kari Byron to accompany him on a romantic outing. Kari then replies in the affirmative, and the two have a delightful evening. They have dinner at a local mediterranean restaurant, take in a show at an underground theatre, then stop off for drinks at a nearby bar. The myth ends with the possibility of a second date (please?).

Here are some suggestions on how you may want to break down this myth, and present it to your television viewers (me).

Part 1: Does Kari Byron exist?

-Since Kari is one of the Mythbusters, this should be fairly easy. MYTH CONFIRMED.

Part 2: Asking Kari on a date?

-This is more complicated--and potentially dangerous. Someone will have to ask her out. You could have Tori stand in as a stunt double, but that might be risky. I suggesting using some kind of "human analog," such as a pig carcass, ballistics gel mold, Buster the crash test dummy, or me (Matt Decker). Will she say yes? Well... I'm not a complete waste of a person, so, let's say "Plausible."

Part 3: Will they have a delightful evening?

-You will need to test the scientific basis for an enjoyable date. Not exactly sure how to go about it... but I would imagine it involves Grant building some robots. Alternatively, you could send Kari Byron on a date with me (Matt Decker). Grant's robots can come, too (but no third wheels).

Part 4: Adam and Jamie blow something up.

-Every myth seems to end in tiny bits scattered around the Alameda Sheriff's bomb range. Now, I'm not suggesting the explosion would be a metaphor for anything (I'm not that kind of guy, thank you very much). Just blow something up. It makes for good TV. Plus, I know how much Kari enjoys seeing things blow up. Some might even call it romantic (no one would call it romantic).

Well, Mythbusters, there you have it. A classic, timeless myth broke down into 4 easily presented segments. All that remains is for you to take the challenge (Please? I promise I'm not creepy. Really, I'm a really nice guy. Consider it?).

Sincerely,

Matt Decker.

Tips to avoiding pig flu.

2009-04-30T22:50:00.003-04:00

Hi everybody!

Here are some exciting tips to avoid nasty pig flu badness.

1) Wash your hands. A lot. Every half-hour, on the half-hour. And not with tap water. Only use distilled water or rain water and grain alcohol. The fluoridation in the water is a key part of the communist pig flu conspiracy.

2) Burn everything you own. That'll show them. That'll show ALL of them.

3) Stop eating ham, pork chops, bacon, Canadian bacon (ham), Mexican bacon (especially MEXICAN bacon), pork rinds, copies of Charlotte's Web, Porky the Pig dolls, piggy banks, VHS copies of Porky's, Porky's II, and Porky's III: Porky's Revenge.

4) Get bird flu.

5) Run out in the streets screaming and flailing your arms. This will eliminate any chance of person-to-person transmission of the virus (or person-to-person dating).

6) Twite a tweet on twitter twabout twaking a twip two twee twour twoctor twor a twu twaccine.

7) Write a passionately worded letter to your congressman (or congresswoman) explaining how you are just trying to help by sending them a vial of what may or may not be the swine flu virus. They will appreciate this.

8) Throw tea in the nearest body of water. Everybody's doing it, so it must be good for something, right? I mean, it's not like they're just being mindless dittoheads feigning rage and carrying out a completely meaningless protest devoid of even the slightest understanding of symbolism...

9) Be an ass. People will avoid you.

10) Saran wrap. All over your body.

Your Friendly Guide to Robots' guide to avoiding the inevitable robot uprising.

2009-04-29T00:51:00.001-04:00

you can't.

suckers.

Earth Day post.

2009-04-22T20:06:00.002-04:00

Your Friendly Guide to Robots' List of Earth Day Activities:

1) Buy a Prius. Seriously. I promise the 2010 Prius isn't a transformer that will transform into a giant robot programed to lecture you on low-flow shower heads.... before enslaving the human race. I promise.

2) Compost... something. It doesn't matter what. Compost your neighbor's dog. Every time you compost something, a polar bear doesn't die. You don't want to kill polar bears, DO YOU?

3) Solve Global Warming. We'd all really appreciate it if you got on that one right away.

4) Don't shave. 364 days a year: you're lazy. 1 day a year: you're conserving water.

5) Give a slide show. You're going to want to get yourself a copy of Keynote (part of the 2009 iWork suite), put together a few dozen dramatic slides, then tour the country. I guarantee you'll win an Oscar, Nobel Prize, Grammy, Emmy, Pulitzer, and World's Greatest Dad... but not the Presidency. Sorry.

6) Recycle. Reusing old jokes counts, too.

7) Convert your cat's personal Hummer H2 to run on biofuel. Listen, house cats are our nation's number one consumer of petroleum products. It's time we woke up and did something about this.

8) Make a lame list. Double points if you make it about stuff to do on Earth day at 8:00 PM, when it is the least relevant. Triple points if you type everything in green.

9) Struggle to come up with a list of 10 things when you're tired and aren't really in a particularly witty mood... when you're just doing this because you feel like you should post something seeing as it's been about a month since you've last posted. You're really not very good at this blogging thing, are you?

10) Plant some organic tomatoes. Delicious.

New from The Weather Channel: 15 minute updates online.

2009-03-22T13:50:00.003-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I would like to introduce to you the latest innovation in weather obsession: the weather channel 15 minute forecast. Tired of having to schedule your life around the weather on an hourly basis? Need to know if that rain is going to start at 8:30 or 8:45? Well, the good folks at weather.com have the solution.

Now, instead of TWC being wrong about sunny skies from 8 AM to 9 AM, they can be wrong about sunny skies at 8:00, 8:15, 8:30, 8:45, and 9:00!

Innovation is great!

comedy jokes--UCB takes on Prius backlash

2009-03-15T17:56:00.003-04:00

The Upright Citizens Brigade (sketch comedy/improv troupe) in a fake car ad.

PS: Buy a prius.

Latest Casualty of the Economic Crisis? I hope so!

2009-03-12T22:31:00.004-04:00

I'm not one to wish doom on anyone (other than, perhaps, Howie Mandel--as indicated in the previous post.... or Rush Limbaugh--as will most likely be indicated in a future post/daily conversation/cries of anger in my sleep). Today, though, I'm making an exception.

In these hard economic times, we don't know which hallowed financial institution will be next to fail. Will it be CitiGroup? Bank of America? What about Charles Schwab? I hope it's Charles Schwab. No, my ill will towards Charlie S has nothing to do with their investing practices (which I know nothing about), their management, their employees... I'm not even suggesting the Charles Schwab Corporation is in trouble. No, I want Chuck to go away because I simply can't bear to watch their commercials any more. ugh.

Seriously. They're really creepy. I think you will all agree.

That is NOT "Howie" do it...

2009-02-27T20:15:00.004-05:00

Listen, Howie Mandel... I was okay with you hosting deal vs deal, or who wants to be a banker... or whatever the hell that show was called.... but your latest endeavour? Please stop.

thanks.

Oh, and I did spell "endeavour" with a u. That's how strongly I feel about this issue.

Stop. just stop. Now.

thanks again.

I'll stimulate YOUR economy

2009-02-09T19:54:00.003-05:00

Dear Republicans:

I know a lot of you are worked up about this stimulus package, going on about how it will be a "disaster" and calling it the "greatest theft perpetrated on our future generations." With all due respect, shut up. Thanks.

Listen. You guys do know that you lost, right? Usually, that's a sign that people are, um, upset with what you've been doing. Namely, your policies. They suck. I know you like tax cuts... especially when they go to rich people. But, tax cuts don't stimulate the economy. 70% of our GDP is consumer spending. Consumers aren't spending, banks aren't lending. People have lost jobs, and lost savings. Sometimes, you need the government to act when consumers won't.

Let me give you an example:

Imagine you're a.... plumber. You're having some tough times. Sure, you've been able to supplement your income by moonlighting as a political anylist (as all plumbers do from time to time), but you're still having trouble paying the bills... so you have to lay-off one of your workers... let's call him, Bill the Unemployed.

Bill has a family of 4 (Jane the Wife, Jimmie the Boy, Suzie the Q... oh, and Juanita the Undocumented Housekeeper). Jane the Wife, a teacher at a public school, is now the sole bread-winner for the family (everybody likes winning bread). But, because she's a teacher--and school funding is for commies--she doesn't make enough to feed her family. Sad, I know.

Then, one day Bill gets a check in the mail. It's a tax refund. Now, Bill could use this $300 to buy that Blu-Ray player he wanted. OR, Bill could save it to offset the pension that he now no longer has. Which do you think Bill is going choose?

See, therein lies the problem with tax cuts as an economic stimulus. Tax cuts only work to stimulate the economy if the tax cut is spent by the consumers, and not saved/used to pay off debt. Last spring, only about a third of Bush's tax rebate was actually spent. Not a very effective stimulus, is it?

What about business tax cuts?

Let's say you're... um... someone who owns a store that sells annoying political cliches. You get a tax break from the government to expand your cliche business. Just one problem: no one is buying your annoying political cliches? Are you going to take that tax money, expand your business, hire more people, and make more annoying political cliches that no one wants to buy? Not if you actually plan to stay in business. Supply and demand, boys... Supply and demand.

See, tax cuts don't work. They sure do make you feel warm and fuzzy inside (and a payroll tax reduction , but they don't stimulate an ailing economy.

So what should we do? How about we take the opportunity to rebuild some schools? Making buildings more energy efficient would be a great idea, AND it would save money in the long run. Oh, you know that energy crisis thing? Man, wouldn't it be great if there were someone out there to pay people to make windmills and solar panels?

Look, John Maynard Keynes was right, and you're wrong. Deal with it. Spend money now, when no one else can... You might just save what little economy we have left, and make America a better place along the way.

Dear Match.com...

2009-01-30T23:09:00.002-05:00

Dear Match.com:

This letter is in regards to the "your new matches" e-mail sent at 1:06 AM on Thrusday, the 29th of January.

In this e-mail, you provided the usernames and pictures of a number of no doubt highly qualified matches, all of whom you ranked at higher than 80%. I'm sure you saw some quality in each of these potential future Mrs Matt Deckers, and I appreciate the effort. However, there is one so-called "match" that I must question. Do you really, honestly, truly believe that NurseEmGOP is a 90% match? Do you know me at all?

Let's analyze this...

1) Her username is NurseEmGOP. Yes, GOP... as in "Grand Old Party." The Republicans. Team Elephant. Gay for Regan. Etc.

Why would you even suggest that??

2) Now, let's delve a bit deeper into her profile. Politics: Conservative. My profile: Liberal. Religion of her Ideal match: Christian (actually, she listed Christian/Catholic; Christian/LDS; Christian/Protestant; and Christian/Other. That's very specific). My religion: none!! She wants three kids. I say I only want 1 (and even that is a stretch). Her last read: a biography of Sarah Palin. I reiterate, a biography of SARAH PALIN! Just for kicks, let's see what I have listed. I am America (and so can you) and The Audacity of Hope. Really, Match.com? Do you really think someone who read books by Stephen Colbert and Barack Obama would be interested in someone who found Sarah Palin interesting enough to read a book about her?

Match.com, I am very disappointed in you. I thought you knew me. If you're trying to get me back, Match.com, this isn't the way to do it. We're through. You can give up now.

With Love,

Decker

PS: Really? Sarah Palin?? Come on.

25 songs I kind of like: a list I made months ago and probably no longer agree with.

2009-01-18T20:51:00.003-05:00

Several months ago, a friend (Linton) challenged me to make a list of my 25 favorite songs. Note: that's FAVORITE, not BEST. Songs on this list do not always represent the best of that artist's work.

Here's the list I came up with.

1) Norwegian Wood (the beatles)
2) Desolation Row (Bob Dylan)
3) 6 suites for cello - prelude (JS Bach, performed by Yo Yo Ma)
4) Superstition (Stevie Wonder)
5) Summertime Blues (The Who)
6) Love in Vein (The Rolling Stones)
7) 20th Century Fox (The Doors)
8) Short Skirt, Long Jacket (Cake)
9) 'Round Midnight (Miles Davis)
10) center of attention (guster)
11) Rhapsody in Blue (George Gershwin)
12) Sleeping in (the postal service)
13) Comes Love (Billie Holiday)
14) Mannish Boy (Muddy Waters)
15) Cowgirl in the Sand (Neil Young)
16) The Fitted Shirt (Spoon)
17) Tokyo Storm Warning (Elvis Costello)
18) Traveling Riverside Blues (Robert Johnson)
19) I'm not like everybody else (The Kinks)
20) Purple Haze (Kronos Quartet)
21) Why do you let me stay here (She and Him)*
22) When I Paint my Masterpiece (The Band)*
23) Hitchin' a Ride (Green Day)
24) Appalacia Waltz [entire album] (Yo Yo Ma, Mark O'Connor, Edgar Meyer)
25) I Just Wasn't Made for these Times (The Beach Boys)

Now let's be perfectly honest here. This list is crap. Sure, my top 7 are solid, but after that I was basically just trying to fill spaces. Do I honestly think "Why do you let me stay here" is better than "When I paint my masterpiece?" No. I wouldn't even say I like "why do you let me stay here" better than "When I paint my masterpiece." Let's fix that right now.

*Amended list:
21) When I Paint my Masterpiece (The Band)
22) Why do you let me stay here (She and Him)

Okay... and while I'm at it, let's move "I just wasn't made for these times" up a few spaces. Hmm... better. Now add "A Day in the Life" (The Beatles), "Tangled up in Blue" (Dylan), and "19th Nervous Breakdown" (Rolling Stones). Getting closer. Oh, and I'll also need the Hendrix cover of "All Along the Watchtower," Dvorak's Cello Concerto, The Who's "My Generation," "Something" by The Beatles... and the following albums: Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Highway 61 Revisited, Exile on Main St, and The Who: Live at Leeds.

Also... have you heard Fleet Foxes? They're really good.

sigh. I'm not very good at this.

Next up: The Movie Game. I'll probably get around to doing that sometime in July.

NYE plans

2008-12-31T16:12:00.003-05:00

I enjoyed this...
...and this.

some_ecards

1101 hours before christmas: A robot tells a christmas story

2008-12-24T22:55:00.004-05:00

'Twas 1101 hours before christmas, when all through the human dwelling (fragile humans, with their need for protection from the elements)

not a peripheral was stirring, not even the mouse

bags shaped like human feet were affixed to the wall above the firehole

with the foolish hope (emotions? what's up with that) that a seriously obese man would appear (odds of happening 1e67:1)

Children were stuffed in sleeping sacs

thinking of some kind of sweetened confection

And assembly unit 1-A in her casing, and I with my head unit attached

prepared for stand-by mode

Out on the lawn: noises

I exited sleep mode to seek input

To the window I traversed at .35 m/s

dislodged the shutters from their flimsy hinges and smashed the sash

Light from the sun reflecting off the moon lit the frozen water on the ground

made them appear to be lit with a color temperature approximating 6700K

When, what to my optical perception units should appear

but a minnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..... ERROR!

#*@!ACESS VIOLATION MEMORY SECTOR 21A:356C:242H:220 (#*#@$%)

**********************************************************************

******************SYSTEM RESTART INITIATED

REBOOT

FILE NOT FOUND.

My thoughts as I drive past the Creation Museum in Northern Kentucky on my way home from working in Indiana.

2008-12-18T21:30:00.004-05:00

Hey. What if the creation museum was "created" to be an ironic statement on the absurdity of teaching literal interpretations of religious text as science. Wouldn't that be great? If the guy who built it just came out one day and said, "hey guys, just kidding!" Man, I think that would be a great joke.

Possible alternative uses for Toyota's unfinished Mississippi plant.

2008-12-15T21:23:00.002-05:00

Facing a continuously imploding US auto market, TOYOTA today announced it would postpone plans to build the Prius hybrid in Mississippi. Construction of Toyota Motor Manufacturing Mississippi (TMMMMMMMMMMS) is already underway, and will still be completed. However, no equipment will be purchased or installed, and plans to launch the Prius will be on hold until the economy brightens up. What will Toyota do with the empty building? Here are some suggestions:

1) Free housing for laid-off employees of Ford, GM, and Chrysler

2) Free housing for laid-off executives of Ford, GM, and Chrysler

3) Hold super-trendy industrial raves at $50 a head (thanks leigh). Invite robots to serve drinks and shower partiers in extremly dangrous sparks.

4) Lease it to the Obama administration, which will then use it to hold our Nation's Strategic Hope Reserves.

5) Use it to store the giant mattress holding Toyota's $40B in cash.

6) Staging area for inevitable robot invasion force/orchestra.

7) Give Toyota's girlfriend the space to set up that art studio she's always wanted.

8) Convert it to a factory that builds smaller factories.

9) Build a new country inside it--preferably one with an economy that doesn't suck.

10) Place for Toyota's friend Subaru to crash... but just until he can get back on his feet. Then he'll totally move out into his own place.

I single-handedly save the american auto industry: an open letter to GM CEO Rick Wagoner.

2008-12-11T19:32:00.003-05:00

Rick,

Can I call you Rick? Good. You and me, we go way back. You're CEO and Chairman of General Motors--and presumably have been working in the auto industry for quite some time--and I'm a low level engineer with one of your major competitors. Clearly we're cut from the same stuff.

I've been watching you (and your buddies Al and Bob) go before Congress on hands and knees asking for money. Now, it seems like you might just get some $15B in walkin' around money. Not bad. So, now that you've been saved from bankruptcy (which, from your testimony I have to assume would result in the destruction of everything we hold dear), I bet you're beside yourself trying to figure out what to do with the money. Here are some ideas on how you and your fellow execs can pull yourself out of this nasty mess.

1: EVERY BODY GETS A CAR!

Oprah did it. I don't exactly know how this would help... but I'm not one to second-guess Oprah.

2: Get 'em hooked, then make 'em come back for more.

It works for drug dealers, it should work for you. Listen, you can't just give them your goods upfront. Give them a taste... maybe a wheel or a catalytic converter as a teaser. Then ratchet things up with the heavier stuff... I'm talking engine and transmission, maybe laced with some fuel lines. Trust me... they'll be back.

Also, you could just put a kilo of cocaine in every glove box.

3: Oh, sorry, that's extra.

If you want to get people into your showrooms, you're going to have to either lure them in with product or deals. How does a $1200 Cadillac sound? Pretty enticing eh? Here let me draw up the papers... Okay, you want paint? That's a $10,000 extra. Headlamps? 4 grand. Steering wheel? $950. See... See how easy it is?

4: Make less cars.

So... people aren't buying cars right now? Maybe you should stop making them for a little while. Or... at least stop making more than you can sell. Who actually thought making a bunch of cars people don't want to buy was a good idea? Really. You overproduce, force the extra inventory on your dealers, discount the crap out of the cars so they'll sell... and then complain that you're not making money. Stop that.

Oh, and while you're at it... how about cutting some dealers. Maybe having a bunch of dealers competing against each other for a shrinking market share isn't a good idea. You really don't need a Chevy dealer on every block.

Oh, and while you're at it... cut some brands, too. You don't really need Hummer (to gassy), Saab (too sweedish, too not Volvo), GMC (they make trucks, right?), Buick (I mean, no one's going to buy one now that Tiger Woods is no longer in your ads), and Pontiac. Keep Saturn (youth brand), Chevrolet (every-man brand), and Cadillac (luxury brand). Hmm... 3 brands like that... sounds like another automaker I know. . .

Wait... Pontiac.. you should probably keep the Pontiac Vibe... I mean, that's really just a Toyota Matrix... Toyota is good people (in my completely unbiased opinion).

5: Keep blaming the Union... it's easier than admitting your own faults.

Everyone is blaming the UAW for your problems, why shouldn't you? Get rid of the unions. No.. wait.. go one step further: get rid of ALL your workers. You're always talking about how your labor costs are making your cars cost too much (which is CLEARLY why people are buying)... I cannot think of a better way to avoid that mass unemployment that would come from a failure of one of the (not so) Big Three than laying off your entire work force.

6: File for bankrupt---er-- I mean...

Listen: Bankruptcy would actually force you to do the restructuring you actually need to do... The only downside: no one will buy cars from a bankrupt automaker. The solution: don't call it bankruptcy. Call it... "Cheeseburger Happy Fun" Everyone wants to buy a car from a "Cheeseburger happy fun" automaker. See... problem fixed.

Welp... there you have it, Rick. 6 steps you can take to lead you to a brighter future. Try it. It'll work, I promise.....

Kisses:

Decker

PS: Have you seen that new Toyota Venza? Man... what a nice looking vehicle. You really should buy one.

An actual excerpt from the questionnaire sent by the Obama vetting team to prospective cabinet members.

2008-11-22T22:08:00.003-05:00

Office of the President Elect of the United States of America

Cabinet Appointee Questionnaire

1) Name:

2) Age:

3) Occupation:

4) Religion (select ONE):

A) Protestant

B) Catholic

C) Other

5) Secret Religion (select ONE):

A) Islam

6) Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the following (select all that apply)?

A) Democratic Party

B) Republican Party

C) Communist Party

D) Oprah's Book Club

E) Best Buy Rewards Program

7) With whom do you choose to pal around (select all that apply)?

A) Terrorists

B) Activists

C) Paris Hilton

D) Joe Lieberman

8) Community Organizers?

A) Like em

B) Love em

9) Please fill in the missing word: "God _____ America!"

A) Damn

B) Bless

C) Save

D) Hamburger

10) Are you married to William Jefferson Clinton?

A) Yes

B) No

C) It's complicated

11) If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

A) Sycamore

B) Oak

C) Maple

D) Christmas

12) When bitter, to what do you cling (select all that apply)?

A) Guns and religion

B) Prostitutes and cocaine

C) My teddy bear Mr. Snuffles

D) The U.S. Constitution

E) My fading ideals

13) Favorite Roosevelt:

A) Franklin

B) Theodore

14) Favorite Lincoln:

A) Abraham

B) Nebraska

C) Logs

15) Do you drive an America-made car?

A) Yes!

B) Yes. . .

C) Only when it is politically expedient to do so.

16) Africa is:

A) A country

B) A continent

17) Please indicate the quantity of sexual encounters you have had with the following groups in the past six months:

Women _____

Men _____

Transsexuals _____

Animals _____

Amoebae _____

Robots _____

18) Are you a:

A) PC

B) Mac

19) Which Name + Occupation best describes you (Select ONE)?

A) Joe the Plumber

B) Bob the Builder

C) Larry the Cable Guy

D) Thomas the Tank Engine

E) Mack the Knife

F) John the Loser

20) May we contact you with special offers and third-party promotions?

A) Yes

B) No

Your head of state is a boring white dude named Stephen Harper... Mine is a kickass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!

2008-11-16T23:43:00.002-05:00

Bill Maher-Potus Envy | Funny Jokes at JibJab

What I want for my birthday...

2008-11-16T21:53:00.002-05:00

Monday, Nov 17th is my 25th birthday. Here's a modest list of my birthday wishes...

I want ice cream that doesn't bend my spoon when I try to scoop it out. I want my cat to not wake me up at 4 am. I want doctors to release a study stating unequivocally that cherry coke prevents heart disease. I want food that cooks itself. I want a government that works for the people instead of special interests. I want an energy policy that makes sense. I want more fuel-efficient cars that are also fun and engaging to drive. I want the Obama administration to live up to my lofty expectations. I want to get back into theatre. I want an improv troupe to succeed in Cincinnati. Did I mention I wanted my cat to NOT wake me up? I want Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to SHUT THE FUCK UP. I want economists to decide on an economic plan that will ACTUALLY work. I want women to stop telling me how great I am right before turning me down. I want to meet a real life, grown up equivalent of Lisa Simpson. I want Tina Fey to respond to my letters and drop that restraining order. I want a robot that plays the Trumpet. I want to know why I can't be a TV pundit. I want to know where Moose Tracks ice cream gets its name. I want people to stop driving slow in the left lane. I want a kind, smart, funny, creative girlfriend. I want the Arrested Development movie to not suck. I want to see this country embrace intellectualism instead of shunning it. I want Angelina Jolie to continue acting. I want Dr. House to get his team back together. I want to have a job that I actually enjoy doing. I want to play my cello again. I want to be with all of my friends.

And I want Guitar Hero: World Tour. That game looks awesome.

Reason # 42 why I can never run for president. . .

2008-11-15T00:06:00.002-05:00

watch this...

An open letter to the overly enthusiastic couple in the hotel room adjacent to my own.

2008-11-07T22:28:00.004-05:00

Dear overly enthusiastic couple in the hotel room adjacent to my own,

Hi. I'm the poor, lonely sap in room 347 of the Lafayette, IN Hampton Inn. You know, the one that's connected to your personal love-hut. Nice to see you, too. If you could just take a momentary break from your love-making to read this, it would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and put on some pants. Thanks.

Now, I understand you're probably two young people who are passionately in love/drunk. I, too, was drunk once. I even had a few trysts in hotel rooms--none of them as nice as the Hampton Inn, though (well, scratch that. One was in a much nicer hotel room). Kudos on that. Anyway... back to the point I'm going to make. I know, you probably see lots of the sex on TV and in the movies and your radio songs and such, and it's only natural for you to want to emulate that. But, please, consider that there might be someone in the room connected to your own (yes, that locked door does indeed go somewhere) that isn't fortunate enough to be in love/drunk with someone at the moment. In fact, that someone might even be a slightly depressed employee of a major auto manufacturer whose soul has been crushed by a combination of constant rejection, feelings of emptiness at work, and gray hair. That person maybe, just maybe, doesn't want to hear all about your youthful romp through his thin, lightly-textured walls.

Okay, I'm sure my pleas for you to kick it down a notch are going to fall on deaf (or plugged--I don't know what crazy stuff you kids are into these days) ears. So, if you're not going to cut it out, you could at least do me the courtesy of keeping it up (pun!) long enough for me to find a comfortable place leaning against the wall. Thanks to your clumsy, quick happy-dance, my neck really hurts.

If you would like some pointers--or just want to discuss this further--drop on in. Or, just shout through the wall. It's always good to yell out a quick "How do you think I'm doing?" or "Can you hear me now?" during your horizontal hopscotch. I'll be sure to answer right away. The only way to improve is to ask for critique.

Never you mind the fact that I have to be at an auto plant at 6 AM. You two just go right ahead and do your thing. And I'll go right along living vicariously through you.

At least for another 5 minutes.

Someone please explain why this makes sense.

2008-10-25T10:15:00.004-04:00

Okay, just watched a comparison review of the Toyota Camry Hybrid and the Chevy Malibu Hybrid. The Camry got better mileage, emitted less CO2, and had better performance than the Malibu. The Malibu was about $1000 cheaper than the Camry.

However...

The Chevy Malibu also qualified for a $1500 tax break, but the Camry did not. Why? Wouldn't you expect the hybrid with the better mileage would get at least the same (if not a higher) tax break? Both are made in the US... The Camry just happens to sell in (much) higher volumes.

So... Since more people want to buy the Camry Hybrid, those consumers shouldn't get the same tax break? That's stupid. That's why we need a new president with a serious energy policy. An energy policy that encourages consumers and auto makers alike to innovate and improve. . . Make the tax break based on energy savings, not sales volume.

I make a MoveOn.org invitation sound incredibly inappropriate by liberally using the word "sexy"

2008-10-24T23:29:00.002-04:00

This is a note for you from Ellen B., another sexy MoveOn member in Covington:

Dear Sexy MoveOn member,

I'm Ellen B. and I'm your sexy neighbor in Covington. This weekend, I'm having folks over to have a sexy party and make sexy calls for Obama, and I hope you can make it!

Some of my sexy friends think we can all just relax because Obama's up in the polls. But I don't. Yesterday I saw a poll from the Associated Press that had Barack up by just one sexy point. And Barack Obama is telling his sexy folks to work like they're 20 sexy points down in the polls, so I figure that goes for all of us! I want to make sure Covington is doing our part.

So I decided to throw one of 1,000 MoveOn for Obama Sexy Parties that are happening around the country. We'll call other sexy MoveOn members in sexy swing states like Ohio, Florida, or Virginia and sign them up to help the Obama campaign get out the sexy vote in the last few, sexy days of the campaign.

Some other local sexy progressives have already signed up to come, but we still need more sexy callers! Plus, there'll be some good food to share and great sexy people to meet.

SNL can still be funny

2008-10-05T15:27:00.000-04:00

Watch this...

My Saturday Night

2008-10-04T23:15:00.003-04:00

It's a typical saturday night for me.

I call some friends, they're busy. or stuck in traffic.

I go to the movies alone. See Religulous. I hope I'm spelling that right. The movie was simultaneously hilarious and terrifying. And embarrassing--especially the segments shot at the Creation Museum, found just an exit away from my place of employment on I-275W. I recognize one scene in the movie--a plywood sign erected along the highway. It reads, "Hell is Real." I can't remember where I saw this sign. Somewhere in south-west Ohio. I was surprised to see Bill Maher omitted one of SW Ohio's great religious landmarks... surely-I thought-I would see "big butter jesus" AKA "touchdown jesus" AKA "who-left-jesus-in-the-quicksand jesus." I didn't. Oh well, I suppose there was enough religious fanaticism to go around.

Then, I went to a bar. Alone. A blue moon and a stella artois. I think the girls behind the bar are pretty, but I don't talk to them. I politely close my tab and leave.

I walk around the riverfront--bored.

I go to the Newport Barnes and Noble. Browsing books, I pick up one on finding a unified field theory. Another, a book of poetry by Ani Difranco. Feminist poetry and quantum mechanics: what more do I need? I sit down at the Starbucks and read. I pay too much for coffee and eat something that resembled a quiche, but isn't. I sit in my black t shirt and Gap jeans, light blue hoodie and worn down pumas; I finish my quiche-thing, and turn to leave. I stop at a display of political books--Obama books on the right, McCain on the left (how odd). I spot a shirnk-wrapped copy of the New King James Bible, pocket sized travel edition. I wonder if someone left it here intentionally. I wonder if someone was making a statement. I get angry. I find it to be wonderfully disturbing that I find this Bible sitting on a stack of books about Democratic strategy. I walk away in disgust. I start down the escalator, spot a pretty girl in a UC hoodie starting up the escalator opposite. If this were a romantic comedy....it isn't.

I leave. The B&N checkout girl asks me if I've heard Ani's new album. I tell her I haven't; that I didn't even know she had a new album. I tell her I'll check it out. I won't. Maybe I will.

I leave. Hopefully I can remember where I parked.

Obviously, I did.

Sarah Palin: Obviously not a fan of pulling out early.

2008-10-02T21:56:00.001-04:00

Sarah Palin policy proposal or personal view on family planning?

You decide.

Next week, we take a detailed look at the possible innuendoes that can be drawn from the statement "Drill, baby, drill!"

As if I could watch the presidential debate without posting to my blog.

2008-09-26T22:37:00.002-04:00

My comments on:

1) The Economy:

It really is quite amazing to think that a man who has spent his entire political promoting deregulation of the economy is suddenly calling for more accountability. Sen McCain likes to go on and on and on about how he's a maverick and knows how to reform our regulatory system and get this economic crisis under control.....yet he seems to forget that the cornerstones of his economic policy (supply side--or "trickle down"--economics and deregulation) is largely responsible for the situation in which we now find ourselves. McCain (and his chief economic advisor Lindsay "americans just need to stop whining about the economy" Graham) seem to think that the fundamentals of our economy are strong; that this problem doesn't warrant a dramatic restructuring of our regulatory system... at least he didn't earlier in the week. Now, now that the polls are shifting out of his favor, he's changed his tune. John McCain has proposed 300 billion dollars worth of tax cuts to major corporations (including $4B to oil companies), taxing medical benefits, and putting a spending freeze on everything except defense and veterans affairs. Barack Obama proposes tax cuts for those earning less than $250,000 a year, closing corporate loopholes, eliminating tax cuts for oil, and taking a methodical approach to cutting government programs that don't work while strengthening those that do. We need regulation, we need oversight, we need restraint.... but we can't afford to avoid energy, education, health care, and the like.

2) Energy:

I want to discuss energy... but I'm too angry. We'll talk about energy later.

3) National Security:

John McCain thinks the biggest thing that can be learned from Iraq is that everything is fine.

John McCain thinks we shouldn't talk to our enemies without them first agreeing to whatever it is we want to talk about.

Obama thinks the biggest thing we can learn from Iraq is that we shouldn't go into a war with a country that hadn't attacked us; that an unnecessary war might actually put us in greater jeopardy.

Obama thinks diplomacy might be a good idea.

Oh, and I really want John McCain to respond to a question about Iraq without mentioning David Petraeus.

Now... we Americans like our elections to be divided into cut and dry dichotomies.... so here's one now:

John McCain is the past, Barack Obama is the future. You can apply that distilled view of the 2008 presidential election to demographics (age and race), economic policies, energy policy, and national security. If you firmly believe America's standing in the world isn't in need of improvement; if you think the fundamentals of our economy are strong; if you think we can use rusted tools to fix the intricate problems of the future.... you should vote for McCain. God save this great country if he actually wins.

watch this.

2008-09-23T22:44:00.000-04:00

Palin and Hillary on SNL

What I think as I rake leaves in my front yard.

2008-09-22T19:53:00.002-04:00

This is kind of fun and relaxing.

This sucks.

I should have a really pretentious European party. We can eat brie and drink wine. We can have pretentious drinking games... like... watching CNN and drinking every time they show a poor person. No. Watching Planet Green network and drinking every time they show a compact fluorescent light bulb, compost, Whole Foods, rain collection barrels, solar panels; or anytime someone mentions carbon footprint, Energy Star Appliances, green, or how being green is sooo 'easy' (plus one drink for the word 'green').

Hmm... I need to compost these leaves... it really is quite easy.

I'VE GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!

I need a band aid.

My lawn needs mowed... I'll do it tomorrow.

This really sucks.

I'm thirsty.

Wait... My shop vac has a detachable blower... Why am I using a rake when I could be using a blower?

Wow, this blower really doesn't work very well. What a waste of time.

My lawn actually looks worse now. . . crap.

I'm hungry.

Bigger is not Better

2008-09-20T09:24:00.003-04:00

This morning, I'm sitting on my couch watching "Motorweek" on PBS. Yeah, I'm that cool. This week's review: The new Honda Fit. What separates the new Honda Fit from its past brethren?

Yup, it's bigger.

This is a trend that has been going on for, well, ever. The new Fit is larger than the first generation Accord. The new Accord is bigger than, um, a small battleship. The original Toyota Camry is smaller than today's Corolla (by a scant 0.4 in). The Mazda MX5: bigger than the previous Miata.

External dimensions don't particularly bother me, though. Sure, smaller cars are more fun to drive and easier to park... Big deal.

The offender is not size, but weight. The tiny corolla is considered svelte at a mere 2700-2900 lbs (which is actually quite good). Compare that to the even smaller Fit: 2500-2600 lbs. A Porsche 911: 3494 lbs. 3500lbs for a sports car? That's grown quite a bit from the original 911's 2200 lbs. Granted, I'd rather be in the modern day Porsche in an accident--that 1960's 911 wouldn't fare too well against a Chevy Suburban.

Why is weight a big deal? Let's take a look at Mr. Newton's 2nd law of motion.

"The acceleration of an object as produced by a net force is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force, in the same direction as the net force, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object."

This is more commonly simplified into the equation, Force = mass * acceleration. There you have it. Increase the mass, and you need more force to go. In a car, that means less responsive steering, longer braking distances, and more gas.

Now, naysayers will be sure to counter. Sure, today's cars handle much, much better than their older (and lighter) counterparts... and they're faster, too. But think how much faster, better they'd be if they weighed less... And they'd use a lot less fuel.

There it is. If we want to save fuel (and reduce CO2), we need lighter vehicles. Hybrids, electrics, diesels are all good... but we could add serious mpg by chopping off a few lbs.

I'm not suggesting cutting out safety features (air bags, seat belts...they all add weight). Given that, what do we do? Make smaller cars (or at the very least, stop making them bigger). The use of new technology (high strength steel, composites, plastics) can help, but they also may increase price. Make more small cars. Save money, save gas, have more fun (and still be safe).

You are cordially invited...

2008-09-15T20:30:00.003-04:00

Dear Friend,

You are cordially invited to what will surely be one of the most magical of occasions: The 1st Annual Matt Decker Wood Chipper Ball.

Come join us for an exciting evening of dance, music, fine wine, and disposing of fallen tree branches.

Bring that special someone with you, and mulch away the evening together.

The party starts at 7PM, so don't be late. Please bring your own wood chipper.

PS: This has nothing to do with the tree that was blown down in my back yard by the remnants of Hurricane Ike.

I (unsuccessfully) discuss two unrelated news stories, OR, "you can put lipstick on a pig, but that doesn't make it a planet-devouring black hole"

2008-09-10T19:30:00.003-04:00

If you've been watching TV, listening to the radio, reading newspapers (as if anyone did that anymore), looking at legitimate blogs, looking at illegitimate blogs, etc... you've probably heard the (phony) outrage over Barack Obama's recent comment about the art of combining lipstick and pigs. It goes something like this..

"That's not change. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig."

I'm paraphrasing... you get the idea.

Simple, common enough statement...right? Perfectly innocent bit of good ol' American folkiness intended to make someone who's obviously an arrugla-loving, latte-sipping, volvo-driving, east coast tax and spend liberal appear down to earth to us ig'nrent common folk? Apparently not. Turns out, it's actually a horribly sexist comment about a certain former Mayor and PTA member of Wasilla, AK! Boy, (girl?) it sure is a good thing that the Republicans are out there looking out for women's rights!!!

This has got to be one of the most ridiculous cases of false outrage I've ever seen. Anyone who actually believes Obama was making some snarky reference to Ms Palin's side-splitting zinger about hockey moms and pitbulls is, well, an idiot. The distinguished Senator from Arizona demands an apology from Obama. Surprisingly, he's not demanding apologies from the following people:

1) Himself. Using "the phrase" in reference to Hillary Clinton's health care plan earlier this year was horribly offensive and deeply hurt Sarah Palin's feelings.

2) Dick Cheney. Using "the phrase" in reference to John Kerry back in 2004 was about as anti-women as it gets.

3) Barack Obama (again). He's used "it" quite a bit. THAT must've been his problem with Hillary voters. . .

4) Patrick O'Malley (pig farmer and lipstick aficionado). Really likes putting lipstick on pigs.

If you actually--deep down in your oh so tender heart--believe that Governor Palin deserves an apology... you deserve to be taken to Switzerland and thrown underground right in the middle of CERN's Large Hadron Collider, where you'll be bombarded by tiny particles traveling at the speed of light for the rest of eternity.

Yeah... CERN (the European Organization for Nuclear Research... which apparently gives the acronym C E R N... France, this is why you can't win wars) just flipped the proverbial switch on the multi-billion dollar (slightly less multi-billion euro) Large Hadron Collider--the biggest particle collider IN THE WORLD! It's a big, round thingy under ground that collides Hadrons, obviously... And it ain't one of those sissy hadron colliders you had in kindergarten. Oh no no no... this one is LARGE. Some people were all freaked out because it COULD have created a mini black hole that probably would have devoured the Earth. But, it didn't. Technically, it COULD have also created a magical flying dragon. That would have been much neater.

Anyway... Since the Republicans obviously aren't going to let this pig-lipstick (I'm calling it Pigstick-gate) thing go, what can Barack Obama possibly say in its place?

Here are some suggestions:

1) "You can put windmills in your campaign commercials, but that doesn't mean you have anything in your energy policy that would even remotely promote their construction."

2) "You can put lipstick on a pitbull, but that doesn't make it someone who should be one heartbeat away from the presidency after being governor for 20 months of a state of 600,000 and mayor of a town of 9,000." (probably shouldn't use that one)

3) "You can say you said 'thanks but no thanks' to a bridge but that doesn't mean you didn't support it and eventually take the money anyway... No... on second thought, please stop saying that. I'm really, REALLY, tired of hearing about it."

4) "You can call yourself a Maverick, but that doesn't make you a Top Gun... And, seriously, you probably should avoid any potential comparisons to Tom Cruise at all costs. He's wacko."

5) "I could say something folksey about doing one thing to something else and it not making any difference, but instead I'm going to have an intelligent discussion about how I'm going to fix the economy, solve the energy question, secure our nation, cure cancer, feed the hungry, heal lepers, and turn water into wine--that can eventually be turned into ethanol fuel."

6) "You can fein outrage over a stupid statement thus diverting media airtime from real issues, but that doesn' t mean your party has done anything to advance women's rights... and it doesn't mean you people weren't making sexist comments about Hillary throughout the democratic primary (I'm looking at you, Fox News)."

7) "You can write a bunch of crap on a blog on the internet, but that doesn't mean anyone will ever read it."

What I'm thinking as I watch the Belgian Grand Prix (with commercials)

2008-09-07T08:13:00.004-04:00

Damn... belgium is pretty.

I want to move to belgium.

WOW! Excellent start for Jarno Trulli in the Toyota. Go Toyota!

Dammit, Trulli. Why can't you keep your car on the F*ing road. Toyota sucks.

YEAAAAAAH KIMI!!!! GO GO GO GO GO YEAHHH!!!!

I hate this stupid Castrol GTX commercial. Hate it. It's stupid.

I wish I had a cool Finnish name like Kimi Raikkonen or Heikki Kovalainen.

Wow... Belgium is really, really pretty.

I need more coffee.

I want a Ferrari. Why don't I have a Ferrari?

Wow... Hamilton... Really? You're pitting already?? Man, that's unfortunate.

Well done, Ferrari. Nice pit stop.

You suck, Trulli. Toyota needs drivers that don't suck.

Wow. Sebastian Bourdais' wife is hot.

I wish I were a Formula 1 race car driver.

This is WAAAAAAAAAY better than NASCAR. Why don't more Americans like this? Is it because it's European? That must be it.

Why would I want to watch a TV show about truckers driving on ice? And what the hell does that have to do with history? Come on, History Channel... I'm very disappointed in you.

wraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabwraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa beuuuu beuuuu beuuuu pqheawwwww wraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that's what a F1 car sounds like)

Stupid wrangler jeans commercial. I hate Dale Earnhardt Jr. NASCAR is stupid. Stupid.

*thought in a french accent* Spa Francorchamps.

Your mom has a bit too much heat in HER tires. Booya!

Wooooooo ferrari!

Rain? Yes, please rain. please please please please please.

Whoever says racecar drivers (at least at this level of motorsport) aren't atheletes obviously doesn't know what it's like to have 5 times the force of gravity pushing on one side of your head, then switching to the other in about .3 seconds....19 times a lap, 40~50 laps in a race. I'm pretty sure that would make my head fall off. Nevermind the task of wrangling a 1200 lb car with 900 break horsepower and 3000 lb of downforce around a 4.5 mile circuit. No wonder these guys get paid a million dollars a week.

Noooooo... Go Kimi! Hamilton is catching up to you! GO GO GO GO GO!

258 km/hr... how fast is that..? 160.313768 mph. Thank's google.

160.313768 mph is awfully fast to be going around a corner.

Yes, KIMI! FASTER FASTER FASTER!

Ugh... Toyota... Why? Why can't you not suck?

6 laps to go... and it might be raining?? Wheeeeeeee!

Nooo Kimi. GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!

Raaaaaaaaaaaaain?

Wow... it is raining.... with 3 laps to go!!!

NOOOOOOONONONONONONONONONONONO! awww... man.

C'mon Raikkonen.... GO GO GO GO GO. PASS HAMILTON!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOOOO NOOOOOO!!!!!~!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OHHNOOOOO AWWWWWW NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... 2 LAPS TO GO AND KIMI CRASHES!!!! STUPID RAIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

holy god, it's raining hard. 1 lap to go, can't stop for wet tires!

Ugh. Well, I guess that was a good race for Hamilton and McLaren....

Wow. Nick Heidfeld. 3rd place after switching to intermediate tires. Nicely done.

Wow. Alonso pass for 4th at the line. neat.

Pooor, poor kimi. poor kimi. :( I guess that's probably means you won't be getting your 2nd World Championship this year. :.( Boooo.

At least Massa finished 2nd for Ferrari... I guess that's good.

Good job, Lewis Hamilton. You are quite a driver. Simply amazing.

Cool. The President of the Belgian Senate (and presenter of the 1st Place trophy) is named Decker. Neat.

Good job Felipe Massa. Indeed.

I really want to spray champagne over a screaming crowd. Is that too much to ask?

I want an otter.

2008-09-05T19:19:00.001-04:00

I mean... who doesn't?

No.. no.. no..

2008-09-04T20:26:00.003-04:00

Dear Republicans/Fox News commentators:

You cannot personally make sexist comments about Hillary Clinton, then complain about sexism in the media when you field a woman.

You cannot call a governor who was mayor of Richmond, Lt Gov of Virginia, and then Governor of Virginia for 20 months dangerous inexperienced, then nominate the mayor of Wasila and Governor of Alaska for 20 months.

You cannot complain about moral bankruptcy associate with teenage pregnancy, then tell everyone to back off when your Veep nominee has a pregnant daughter.

Maybe you should start watching The Daily Show. You really do look like idiots.

Kisses,

Decker.

PS: Please stop lying about Barack Obama's taxation policies. The people at factcheck.org are probably getting tired of correcting you.

Huckabee Confessions?

2008-09-03T21:32:00.002-04:00

Breaking news from the Republican National Convention. Mike Huckabee just made a startling revelation about his past--especially when taken out of context.

"It wasn't until college that I found out that it's not supposed to hurt when you take a shower."

Other highlights:

McCain was a POW.

"He can't even lift his arms above his shoulder," Huckabee on McCain.

Obligatory mention of "Hope, Arkansas" in Mike Huckabee's speech.

Oh, there's a black guy!

Mike Huckabee promises John McCain will let you have as much or as little air in your tires as you want.

Guy dressed as Abraham Lincoln? check.

Republicans like cowboy hats.

John McCain PERSONALLY fought the VietCong for Mike Huckabee's school desk. True story.

Mitt Romney successfully accepted the GOP nomination for president in 2012.

Mitt Romney mentioned Ronald Regan.

Mitt Romney is kind of a dick.

Mitt Romney doesn't care, he's gonna go be president of his own country.

My cat is meowing. A lot.

Hawaii's governor is a woman and a Republican. Apparently she was too qualified to be vice president.

Sarah Palin gave a speech about energy (read: oil) AND gave birth to a baby in the SAME DAY. (Beat that, Biden!)

The Republicans are shouting "zero." I'm not really sure why. I kinda zoned out and started reading my friend Eli's blog- Link.

Sarah Palin's term as mayor of Wasilla, AK and 20 months as governor makes her qualified to be President--more qualified than John McCain.

"You can fit 200 states the size of Delaware in the state of Alaska." (Take THAT, Biden!)

"Sarah Palin can reach out to independents, young people, and women" by being staunchly against everything they stand for.

Washington is broken... McCain has been meaning to fix it... he just hasn't gotten around to it yet.

PBS likes talking to historians to place tonight's speeches in an historical context. pinkos.

Woah... another black guy.

Rudy Giuliani mentions "liberal media."

Obligatory "USA, USA" chants.

Rudy Giuliani mentions Ronald Regan.

Rudy Giuliani is making fun of Barack Obama "working" as a "community organizer"

Rudy Giuliani is kind of a dick.

Hey, there's an old white guy.

"Hope is dumb" -Rudy Giuliani (paraphrased).

Rudy Giuliani thinks all followers of Islam are terrorists?!?

Rudy Giuliani mentions 9/11 (WE HAVE A WINNER!!!)

Rudy Giuliani mentions Ronald Regan.

Being popular makes you qualified for president--but only if you're a republican governor.

Sarah Palin's husband races "snow machines."

ugh... I can't do this.

Brilliant.

2008-09-03T18:18:00.000-04:00

GOP to add Anti-Moose Plank to Party Platform

2008-09-02T12:07:00.004-04:00

(ST. PAUL)
In what many are considering a groundbreaking move, the GOP announced Tuesday that they would be adopting an Anti-Moose plank into their official party platform. This marks the first time in modern history that a major political party has taken a stand against a specific land-based mammal. Presumptive GOP Vice-Presidential nominee Gov Sarah Palin spoke to a cheering convention hall on Tuesday.

"Many consider the great and majestic moose to be the number one threat to national security. It is about time someone did something about that!" The Governor said, proudly wearing a tasteful pantsuit made of moose skins and polar-bear feet. "Senators Barack Obama and Joe Biden just don't have what it takes to address the moose problem in America. Who does? I do. A working mother from Alaska. Yup yup," she continued.

John McCain spent today meeting with the governors of gulf states affected by Hurricane Gustav. He addressed this specific issue in a speech given before a convention of the National Association of Catfish Farmers in Tupelo, MS.

"My friends, if there is one thing we can all agree on--from laid-off factory workers in Cleveland to struggling farmers in Iowa--it's that there are too many moose, er, mooses? miece? Any animal with such an ambiguous plural form just isn't American. My friends, where was I? Oh yes, thank you. My friends, I'm not suggesting Barack Obama would tax your American flags and give the money to Big Moose...but that's exactly what he would do. That's not change you can believe in. My friends." McCain then embarked on a long and wandering story about how "kids these days" and "confounded machines" just don't get it.

Analysts on both sides of the isle are mixed in their response. David Brooks, conservative columnist for the New York Times, responded with a befuddled gaze when asked for comment. Republican strategist and Fox News contributor William Kristol lauded the decision as being "brilliant" and "awe inspiring." Democratic stratigist James Carville could not be understood.

The Obama campaign is expected to officially respond later today, when Barack Obama plans to descend from the heavens upon a fallen moose and resurrect it.

Moose representatives could not be reached for comments.

My very own blogosphere on the internets.

2008-08-31T23:04:00.004-04:00

Well... The time has finally come for me to enter the 21st Century... I've become part of the blogosphere, the blogocube, the blogododecahedron, and even the blogothunderdome. Yes, folks, that's right... I now have a blog.

"But, what does that mean for me?" you ask.

Seriously? That's your question. This is my blog; maybe you should focus a little less on me and start focusing more on me. There, much better.

So... what will you find here? Probably more than a few political posts, stuff I feel like writing that you probably won't care about, things that amuse me, things that don't amuse me. Yes, the occasional robot story may grace these digital pages as well.

Enjoy.

Or don't... I don't really care.

(I do care. Please enjoy.)