GOP to add Anti-Moose Plank to Party Platform

(ST. PAUL)
In what many are considering a groundbreaking move, the GOP announced Tuesday that they would be adopting an Anti-Moose plank into their official party platform. This marks the first time in modern history that a major political party has taken a stand against a specific land-based mammal. Presumptive GOP Vice-Presidential nominee Gov Sarah Palin spoke to a cheering convention hall on Tuesday.

"Many consider the great and majestic moose to be the number one threat to national security. It is about time someone did something about that!" The Governor said, proudly wearing a tasteful pantsuit made of moose skins and polar-bear feet. "Senators Barack Obama and Joe Biden just don't have what it takes to address the moose problem in America. Who does? I do. A working mother from Alaska. Yup yup," she continued.

John McCain spent today meeting with the governors of gulf states affected by Hurricane Gustav. He addressed this specific issue in a speech given before a convention of the National Association of Catfish Farmers in Tupelo, MS.

"My friends, if there is one thing we can all agree on--from laid-off factory workers in Cleveland to struggling farmers in Iowa--it's that there are too many moose, er, mooses? miece? Any animal with such an ambiguous plural form just isn't American. My friends, where was I? Oh yes, thank you. My friends, I'm not suggesting Barack Obama would tax your American flags and give the money to Big Moose...but that's exactly what he would do. That's not change you can believe in. My friends." McCain then embarked on a long and wandering story about how "kids these days" and "confounded machines" just don't get it.

Analysts on both sides of the isle are mixed in their response. David Brooks, conservative columnist for the New York Times, responded with a befuddled gaze when asked for comment. Republican strategist and Fox News contributor William Kristol lauded the decision as being "brilliant" and "awe inspiring." Democratic stratigist James Carville could not be understood.

The Obama campaign is expected to officially respond later today, when Barack Obama plans to descend from the heavens upon a fallen moose and resurrect it.

Moose representatives could not be reached for comments.