Here are some exciting tips to avoid nasty pig flu badness.
1) Wash your hands. A lot. Every half-hour, on the half-hour. And not with tap water. Only use distilled water or rain water and grain alcohol. The fluoridation in the water is a key part of the communist pig flu conspiracy.
2) Burn everything you own. That'll show them. That'll show ALL of them.
3) Stop eating ham, pork chops, bacon, Canadian bacon (ham), Mexican bacon (especially MEXICAN bacon), pork rinds, copies of Charlotte's Web, Porky the Pig dolls, piggy banks, VHS copies of Porky's, Porky's II, and Porky's III: Porky's Revenge.
4) Get bird flu.
5) Run out in the streets screaming and flailing your arms. This will eliminate any chance of person-to-person transmission of the virus (or person-to-person dating).
6) Twite a tweet on twitter twabout twaking a twip two twee twour twoctor twor a twu twaccine.
7) Write a passionately worded letter to your congressman (or congresswoman) explaining how you are just trying to help by sending them a vial of what may or may not be the swine flu virus. They will appreciate this.
8) Throw tea in the nearest body of water. Everybody's doing it, so it must be good for something, right? I mean, it's not like they're just being mindless dittoheads feigning rage and carrying out a completely meaningless protest devoid of even the slightest understanding of symbolism...
9) Be an ass. People will avoid you.
10) Saran wrap. All over your body.
2 comments:
Didn't you know, all of my loyal readers are your loyal readers too? They don't actually like my blog, they just use me to get to you. We would all like to come to your saran wrap party.
I first became aware of Swine Flu during the physical act of love. A supreme feeling of emptiness and fatigue washed over me. Thankfully, I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
I do not avoid Swine Flu, Mandrake. But I do deny it my essence.
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