An open letter to the overly enthusiastic couple in the hotel room adjacent to my own.

Dear overly enthusiastic couple in the hotel room adjacent to my own,

Hi. I'm the poor, lonely sap in room 347 of the Lafayette, IN Hampton Inn. You know, the one that's connected to your personal love-hut. Nice to see you, too. If you could just take a momentary break from your love-making to read this, it would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and put on some pants. Thanks.

Now, I understand you're probably two young people who are passionately in love/drunk. I, too, was drunk once. I even had a few trysts in hotel rooms--none of them as nice as the Hampton Inn, though (well, scratch that. One was in a much nicer hotel room). Kudos on that. Anyway... back to the point I'm going to make. I know, you probably see lots of the sex on TV and in the movies and your radio songs and such, and it's only natural for you to want to emulate that. But, please, consider that there might be someone in the room connected to your own (yes, that locked door does indeed go somewhere) that isn't fortunate enough to be in love/drunk with someone at the moment. In fact, that someone might even be a slightly depressed employee of a major auto manufacturer whose soul has been crushed by a combination of constant rejection, feelings of emptiness at work, and gray hair. That person maybe, just maybe, doesn't want to hear all about your youthful romp through his thin, lightly-textured walls.

Okay, I'm sure my pleas for you to kick it down a notch are going to fall on deaf (or plugged--I don't know what crazy stuff you kids are into these days) ears. So, if you're not going to cut it out, you could at least do me the courtesy of keeping it up (pun!) long enough for me to find a comfortable place leaning against the wall. Thanks to your clumsy, quick happy-dance, my neck really hurts.

If you would like some pointers--or just want to discuss this further--drop on in. Or, just shout through the wall. It's always good to yell out a quick "How do you think I'm doing?" or "Can you hear me now?" during your horizontal hopscotch. I'll be sure to answer right away. The only way to improve is to ask for critique.

Never you mind the fact that I have to be at an auto plant at 6 AM. You two just go right ahead and do your thing. And I'll go right along living vicariously through you.

At least for another 5 minutes.