Possible alternative uses for Toyota's unfinished Mississippi plant.

Facing a continuously imploding US auto market, TOYOTA today announced it would postpone plans to build the Prius hybrid in Mississippi. Construction of Toyota Motor Manufacturing Mississippi (TMMMMMMMMMMS) is already underway, and will still be completed. However, no equipment will be purchased or installed, and plans to launch the Prius will be on hold until the economy brightens up. What will Toyota do with the empty building? Here are some suggestions:

1) Free housing for laid-off employees of Ford, GM, and Chrysler

2) Free housing for laid-off executives of Ford, GM, and Chrysler

3) Hold super-trendy industrial raves at $50 a head (thanks leigh). Invite robots to serve drinks and shower partiers in extremly dangrous sparks.

4) Lease it to the Obama administration, which will then use it to hold our Nation's Strategic Hope Reserves.

5) Use it to store the giant mattress holding Toyota's $40B in cash.

6) Staging area for inevitable robot invasion force/orchestra.

7) Give Toyota's girlfriend the space to set up that art studio she's always wanted.

8) Convert it to a factory that builds smaller factories.

9) Build a new country inside it--preferably one with an economy that doesn't suck.

10) Place for Toyota's friend Subaru to crash... but just until he can get back on his feet. Then he'll totally move out into his own place.

I single-handedly save the american auto industry: an open letter to GM CEO Rick Wagoner.

Rick,

Can I call you Rick? Good.  You and me, we go way back.  You're CEO and Chairman of General Motors--and presumably have been working in the auto industry for quite some time--and I'm a low level engineer with one of your major competitors.  Clearly we're cut from the same stuff. 

I've been watching you (and your buddies Al and Bob) go before Congress on hands and knees asking for money.  Now, it seems like you might just get some $15B in walkin' around money.  Not bad.  So, now that you've been saved from bankruptcy (which, from your testimony I have to assume would result in the destruction of everything we hold dear), I bet you're beside yourself trying to figure out what to do with the money.  Here are some ideas on how you and your fellow execs can pull yourself out of this nasty mess.

1: EVERY BODY GETS A CAR!

Oprah did it.  I don't exactly know how this would help... but I'm not one to second-guess Oprah.

2: Get 'em hooked, then make 'em come back for more.

It works for drug dealers, it should work for you.  Listen, you can't just give them your goods upfront.  Give them a taste... maybe a wheel or a catalytic converter as a teaser.  Then ratchet things up with the heavier stuff... I'm talking engine and transmission, maybe laced with some fuel lines.  Trust me... they'll be back.

Also, you could just put a kilo of cocaine in every glove box.

3: Oh, sorry, that's extra.

If you want to get people into your showrooms, you're going to have to either lure them in with product or deals.  How does a $1200 Cadillac sound?  Pretty enticing eh?  Here let me draw up the papers... Okay, you want paint? That's a $10,000 extra.  Headlamps? 4 grand.  Steering wheel? $950.  See... See how easy it is?

4: Make less cars.

So... people aren't buying cars right now?  Maybe you should stop making them for a little while.  Or... at least stop making more than you can sell.  Who actually thought making a bunch of cars people don't want to buy was a good idea?  Really.  You overproduce, force the extra inventory on your dealers, discount the crap out of the cars so they'll sell... and then complain that you're not making money.  Stop that.

Oh, and while you're at it... how about cutting some dealers.  Maybe having a bunch of dealers competing against each other for a shrinking market share isn't a good idea.  You really don't need a Chevy dealer on every block.  

Oh, and while you're at it... cut some brands, too.  You don't really need Hummer (to gassy), Saab (too sweedish, too not Volvo), GMC (they make trucks, right?), Buick (I mean, no one's going to buy one now that Tiger Woods is no longer in your ads), and Pontiac.  Keep Saturn (youth brand), Chevrolet (every-man brand), and Cadillac (luxury brand).  Hmm... 3 brands like that... sounds like another automaker I know. . .

Wait... Pontiac.. you should probably keep the Pontiac Vibe... I mean, that's really just a Toyota Matrix... Toyota is good people (in my completely unbiased opinion).

5: Keep blaming the Union... it's easier than admitting your own faults.

Everyone is blaming the UAW for your problems, why shouldn't you?  Get rid of the unions.  No.. wait.. go one step further: get rid of ALL your workers.  You're always talking about how your labor costs are making your cars cost too much (which is CLEARLY why people are buying)... I cannot think of a better way to avoid that mass unemployment that would come from a failure of one of the (not so) Big Three than laying off your entire work force.  

6: File for bankrupt---er-- I mean...

Listen: Bankruptcy would actually force you to do the restructuring you actually need to do... The only downside: no one will buy cars from a bankrupt automaker.  The solution: don't call it bankruptcy.  Call it... "Cheeseburger Happy Fun"  Everyone wants to buy a car from a "Cheeseburger happy fun" automaker.  See... problem fixed.

Welp... there you have it, Rick.  6 steps you can take to lead you to a brighter future.  Try it.  It'll work, I promise.....

Kisses:

Decker

PS: Have you seen that new Toyota Venza? Man... what a nice looking vehicle.  You really should buy one.

An actual excerpt from the questionnaire sent by the Obama vetting team to prospective cabinet members.

Office of the President Elect of the United States of America

Cabinet Appointee Questionnaire

1) Name:

2) Age:

3) Occupation:

4) Religion (select ONE):

A) Protestant

B) Catholic

C) Other

5) Secret Religion (select ONE):

A) Islam

6) Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the following (select all that apply)?

A) Democratic Party

B) Republican Party

C) Communist Party

D) Oprah's Book Club

E) Best Buy Rewards Program

7) With whom do you choose to pal around (select all that apply)?

A) Terrorists

B) Activists

C) Paris Hilton

D) Joe Lieberman

8) Community Organizers?

A) Like em

B) Love em

9) Please fill in the missing word: "God _____ America!"

A) Damn

B) Bless

C) Save

D) Hamburger

10) Are you married to William Jefferson Clinton?

A) Yes

B) No

C) It's complicated

11) If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

A) Sycamore

B) Oak

C) Maple

D) Christmas

12) When bitter, to what do you cling (select all that apply)?

A) Guns and religion

B) Prostitutes and cocaine 

C) My teddy bear Mr. Snuffles

D) The U.S. Constitution

E) My fading ideals

13) Favorite Roosevelt:

A) Franklin

B) Theodore

14) Favorite Lincoln:

A) Abraham

B) Nebraska

C) Logs

15) Do you drive an America-made car?

A) Yes!

B) Yes. . .

C) Only when it is politically expedient to do so.

16) Africa is:

A) A country

B) A continent

17) Please indicate the quantity of sexual encounters you have had with the following groups in the past six months:

Women           _____

Men                 _____

Transsexuals  _____

Animals  _____

Amoebae   _____

Robots   _____

18) Are you a:

A) PC

B) Mac

19) Which Name + Occupation best describes you (Select ONE)?

A) Joe the Plumber

B) Bob the Builder

C) Larry the Cable Guy

D) Thomas the Tank Engine

E) Mack the Knife

F) John the Loser

20) May we contact you with special offers and third-party promotions?

A) Yes

B) No

Your head of state is a boring white dude named Stephen Harper... Mine is a kickass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!

Bill Maher-Potus Envy | Funny Jokes at JibJab

What I want for my birthday...

Monday, Nov 17th is my 25th birthday.  Here's a modest list of my birthday wishes...

I want ice cream that doesn't bend my spoon when I try to scoop it out.  I want my cat to not wake me up at 4 am.  I want doctors to release a study stating unequivocally that cherry coke prevents heart disease.  I want food that cooks itself.  I want a government that works for the people instead of special interests.  I want an energy policy that makes sense.  I want more fuel-efficient cars that are also fun and engaging to drive.  I want the Obama administration to live up to my lofty expectations.  I want to get back into theatre.  I want an improv troupe to succeed in Cincinnati.  Did I mention I wanted my cat to NOT wake me up?  I want Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I want economists to decide on an economic plan that will ACTUALLY work.  I want women to stop telling me how great I am right before turning me down.  I want to meet a real life, grown up equivalent of Lisa Simpson.  I want Tina Fey to respond to my letters and drop that restraining order.  I want a robot that plays the Trumpet.  I want to know why I can't be a TV pundit.  I want to know where Moose Tracks ice cream gets its name.  I want people to stop driving slow in the left lane.  I want a kind, smart, funny, creative girlfriend.  I want the Arrested Development movie to not suck.  I want to see this country embrace intellectualism instead of shunning it.  I want Angelina Jolie to continue acting.  I want Dr. House to get his team back together.  I want to have a job that I actually enjoy doing.  I want to play my cello again.  I want to be with all of my friends.

And I want Guitar Hero: World Tour.  That game looks awesome.

Reason # 42 why I can never run for president. . .

watch this...

An open letter to the overly enthusiastic couple in the hotel room adjacent to my own.

Dear overly enthusiastic couple in the hotel room adjacent to my own,

Hi. I'm the poor, lonely sap in room 347 of the Lafayette, IN Hampton Inn. You know, the one that's connected to your personal love-hut. Nice to see you, too. If you could just take a momentary break from your love-making to read this, it would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and put on some pants. Thanks.

Now, I understand you're probably two young people who are passionately in love/drunk. I, too, was drunk once. I even had a few trysts in hotel rooms--none of them as nice as the Hampton Inn, though (well, scratch that. One was in a much nicer hotel room). Kudos on that. Anyway... back to the point I'm going to make. I know, you probably see lots of the sex on TV and in the movies and your radio songs and such, and it's only natural for you to want to emulate that. But, please, consider that there might be someone in the room connected to your own (yes, that locked door does indeed go somewhere) that isn't fortunate enough to be in love/drunk with someone at the moment. In fact, that someone might even be a slightly depressed employee of a major auto manufacturer whose soul has been crushed by a combination of constant rejection, feelings of emptiness at work, and gray hair. That person maybe, just maybe, doesn't want to hear all about your youthful romp through his thin, lightly-textured walls.

Okay, I'm sure my pleas for you to kick it down a notch are going to fall on deaf (or plugged--I don't know what crazy stuff you kids are into these days) ears. So, if you're not going to cut it out, you could at least do me the courtesy of keeping it up (pun!) long enough for me to find a comfortable place leaning against the wall. Thanks to your clumsy, quick happy-dance, my neck really hurts.

If you would like some pointers--or just want to discuss this further--drop on in. Or, just shout through the wall. It's always good to yell out a quick "How do you think I'm doing?" or "Can you hear me now?" during your horizontal hopscotch. I'll be sure to answer right away. The only way to improve is to ask for critique.

Never you mind the fact that I have to be at an auto plant at 6 AM. You two just go right ahead and do your thing. And I'll go right along living vicariously through you.

At least for another 5 minutes.