NYE plans

I enjoyed this...
...and this.

some_ecards

1101 hours before christmas: A robot tells a christmas story

'Twas 1101 hours before christmas, when all through the human dwelling (fragile humans, with their need for protection from the elements)

not a peripheral was stirring, not even the mouse

bags shaped like human feet were affixed to the wall above the firehole

with the foolish hope (emotions? what's up with that) that a seriously obese man would appear (odds of happening 1e67:1)

Children were stuffed in sleeping sacs

thinking of some kind of sweetened confection

And assembly unit 1-A in her casing, and I with my head unit attached

prepared for stand-by mode

Out on the lawn: noises

I exited sleep mode to seek input

To the window I traversed at .35 m/s

dislodged the shutters from their flimsy hinges and smashed the sash

Light from the sun reflecting off the moon lit the frozen water on the ground

made them appear to be lit with a color temperature approximating 6700K

When, what to my optical perception units should appear

but a minnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..... ERROR!

#*@!ACESS VIOLATION MEMORY SECTOR 21A:356C:242H:220 (#*#@$%)

**********************************************************************

******************SYSTEM RESTART INITIATED

#>

#>

#>

REBOOT

#>

#>

FILE NOT FOUND.

My thoughts as I drive past the Creation Museum in Northern Kentucky on my way home from working in Indiana.

Hey.  What if the creation museum was "created" to be an ironic statement on the absurdity of teaching literal interpretations of religious text as science.  Wouldn't that be great?  If the guy who built it just came out one day and said, "hey guys, just kidding!"  Man, I think that would be a great joke.

Possible alternative uses for Toyota's unfinished Mississippi plant.

Facing a continuously imploding US auto market, TOYOTA today announced it would postpone plans to build the Prius hybrid in Mississippi. Construction of Toyota Motor Manufacturing Mississippi (TMMMMMMMMMMS) is already underway, and will still be completed. However, no equipment will be purchased or installed, and plans to launch the Prius will be on hold until the economy brightens up. What will Toyota do with the empty building? Here are some suggestions:

1) Free housing for laid-off employees of Ford, GM, and Chrysler

2) Free housing for laid-off executives of Ford, GM, and Chrysler

3) Hold super-trendy industrial raves at $50 a head (thanks leigh). Invite robots to serve drinks and shower partiers in extremly dangrous sparks.

4) Lease it to the Obama administration, which will then use it to hold our Nation's Strategic Hope Reserves.

5) Use it to store the giant mattress holding Toyota's $40B in cash.

6) Staging area for inevitable robot invasion force/orchestra.

7) Give Toyota's girlfriend the space to set up that art studio she's always wanted.

8) Convert it to a factory that builds smaller factories.

9) Build a new country inside it--preferably one with an economy that doesn't suck.

10) Place for Toyota's friend Subaru to crash... but just until he can get back on his feet. Then he'll totally move out into his own place.

I single-handedly save the american auto industry: an open letter to GM CEO Rick Wagoner.

Rick,

Can I call you Rick? Good.  You and me, we go way back.  You're CEO and Chairman of General Motors--and presumably have been working in the auto industry for quite some time--and I'm a low level engineer with one of your major competitors.  Clearly we're cut from the same stuff. 

I've been watching you (and your buddies Al and Bob) go before Congress on hands and knees asking for money.  Now, it seems like you might just get some $15B in walkin' around money.  Not bad.  So, now that you've been saved from bankruptcy (which, from your testimony I have to assume would result in the destruction of everything we hold dear), I bet you're beside yourself trying to figure out what to do with the money.  Here are some ideas on how you and your fellow execs can pull yourself out of this nasty mess.

1: EVERY BODY GETS A CAR!

Oprah did it.  I don't exactly know how this would help... but I'm not one to second-guess Oprah.

2: Get 'em hooked, then make 'em come back for more.

It works for drug dealers, it should work for you.  Listen, you can't just give them your goods upfront.  Give them a taste... maybe a wheel or a catalytic converter as a teaser.  Then ratchet things up with the heavier stuff... I'm talking engine and transmission, maybe laced with some fuel lines.  Trust me... they'll be back.

Also, you could just put a kilo of cocaine in every glove box.

3: Oh, sorry, that's extra.

If you want to get people into your showrooms, you're going to have to either lure them in with product or deals.  How does a $1200 Cadillac sound?  Pretty enticing eh?  Here let me draw up the papers... Okay, you want paint? That's a $10,000 extra.  Headlamps? 4 grand.  Steering wheel? $950.  See... See how easy it is?

4: Make less cars.

So... people aren't buying cars right now?  Maybe you should stop making them for a little while.  Or... at least stop making more than you can sell.  Who actually thought making a bunch of cars people don't want to buy was a good idea?  Really.  You overproduce, force the extra inventory on your dealers, discount the crap out of the cars so they'll sell... and then complain that you're not making money.  Stop that.

Oh, and while you're at it... how about cutting some dealers.  Maybe having a bunch of dealers competing against each other for a shrinking market share isn't a good idea.  You really don't need a Chevy dealer on every block.  

Oh, and while you're at it... cut some brands, too.  You don't really need Hummer (to gassy), Saab (too sweedish, too not Volvo), GMC (they make trucks, right?), Buick (I mean, no one's going to buy one now that Tiger Woods is no longer in your ads), and Pontiac.  Keep Saturn (youth brand), Chevrolet (every-man brand), and Cadillac (luxury brand).  Hmm... 3 brands like that... sounds like another automaker I know. . .

Wait... Pontiac.. you should probably keep the Pontiac Vibe... I mean, that's really just a Toyota Matrix... Toyota is good people (in my completely unbiased opinion).

5: Keep blaming the Union... it's easier than admitting your own faults.

Everyone is blaming the UAW for your problems, why shouldn't you?  Get rid of the unions.  No.. wait.. go one step further: get rid of ALL your workers.  You're always talking about how your labor costs are making your cars cost too much (which is CLEARLY why people are buying)... I cannot think of a better way to avoid that mass unemployment that would come from a failure of one of the (not so) Big Three than laying off your entire work force.  

6: File for bankrupt---er-- I mean...

Listen: Bankruptcy would actually force you to do the restructuring you actually need to do... The only downside: no one will buy cars from a bankrupt automaker.  The solution: don't call it bankruptcy.  Call it... "Cheeseburger Happy Fun"  Everyone wants to buy a car from a "Cheeseburger happy fun" automaker.  See... problem fixed.

Welp... there you have it, Rick.  6 steps you can take to lead you to a brighter future.  Try it.  It'll work, I promise.....

Kisses:

Decker

PS: Have you seen that new Toyota Venza? Man... what a nice looking vehicle.  You really should buy one.

An actual excerpt from the questionnaire sent by the Obama vetting team to prospective cabinet members.

Office of the President Elect of the United States of America

Cabinet Appointee Questionnaire

1) Name:

2) Age:

3) Occupation:

4) Religion (select ONE):

A) Protestant

B) Catholic

C) Other

5) Secret Religion (select ONE):

A) Islam

6) Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the following (select all that apply)?

A) Democratic Party

B) Republican Party

C) Communist Party

D) Oprah's Book Club

E) Best Buy Rewards Program

7) With whom do you choose to pal around (select all that apply)?

A) Terrorists

B) Activists

C) Paris Hilton

D) Joe Lieberman

8) Community Organizers?

A) Like em

B) Love em

9) Please fill in the missing word: "God _____ America!"

A) Damn

B) Bless

C) Save

D) Hamburger

10) Are you married to William Jefferson Clinton?

A) Yes

B) No

C) It's complicated

11) If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

A) Sycamore

B) Oak

C) Maple

D) Christmas

12) When bitter, to what do you cling (select all that apply)?

A) Guns and religion

B) Prostitutes and cocaine 

C) My teddy bear Mr. Snuffles

D) The U.S. Constitution

E) My fading ideals

13) Favorite Roosevelt:

A) Franklin

B) Theodore

14) Favorite Lincoln:

A) Abraham

B) Nebraska

C) Logs

15) Do you drive an America-made car?

A) Yes!

B) Yes. . .

C) Only when it is politically expedient to do so.

16) Africa is:

A) A country

B) A continent

17) Please indicate the quantity of sexual encounters you have had with the following groups in the past six months:

Women           _____

Men                 _____

Transsexuals  _____

Animals  _____

Amoebae   _____

Robots   _____

18) Are you a:

A) PC

B) Mac

19) Which Name + Occupation best describes you (Select ONE)?

A) Joe the Plumber

B) Bob the Builder

C) Larry the Cable Guy

D) Thomas the Tank Engine

E) Mack the Knife

F) John the Loser

20) May we contact you with special offers and third-party promotions?

A) Yes

B) No

Your head of state is a boring white dude named Stephen Harper... Mine is a kickass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!

Bill Maher-Potus Envy | Funny Jokes at JibJab

What I want for my birthday...

Monday, Nov 17th is my 25th birthday.  Here's a modest list of my birthday wishes...

I want ice cream that doesn't bend my spoon when I try to scoop it out.  I want my cat to not wake me up at 4 am.  I want doctors to release a study stating unequivocally that cherry coke prevents heart disease.  I want food that cooks itself.  I want a government that works for the people instead of special interests.  I want an energy policy that makes sense.  I want more fuel-efficient cars that are also fun and engaging to drive.  I want the Obama administration to live up to my lofty expectations.  I want to get back into theatre.  I want an improv troupe to succeed in Cincinnati.  Did I mention I wanted my cat to NOT wake me up?  I want Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I want economists to decide on an economic plan that will ACTUALLY work.  I want women to stop telling me how great I am right before turning me down.  I want to meet a real life, grown up equivalent of Lisa Simpson.  I want Tina Fey to respond to my letters and drop that restraining order.  I want a robot that plays the Trumpet.  I want to know why I can't be a TV pundit.  I want to know where Moose Tracks ice cream gets its name.  I want people to stop driving slow in the left lane.  I want a kind, smart, funny, creative girlfriend.  I want the Arrested Development movie to not suck.  I want to see this country embrace intellectualism instead of shunning it.  I want Angelina Jolie to continue acting.  I want Dr. House to get his team back together.  I want to have a job that I actually enjoy doing.  I want to play my cello again.  I want to be with all of my friends.

And I want Guitar Hero: World Tour.  That game looks awesome.

Reason # 42 why I can never run for president. . .

watch this...

An open letter to the overly enthusiastic couple in the hotel room adjacent to my own.

Dear overly enthusiastic couple in the hotel room adjacent to my own,

Hi. I'm the poor, lonely sap in room 347 of the Lafayette, IN Hampton Inn. You know, the one that's connected to your personal love-hut. Nice to see you, too. If you could just take a momentary break from your love-making to read this, it would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and put on some pants. Thanks.

Now, I understand you're probably two young people who are passionately in love/drunk. I, too, was drunk once. I even had a few trysts in hotel rooms--none of them as nice as the Hampton Inn, though (well, scratch that. One was in a much nicer hotel room). Kudos on that. Anyway... back to the point I'm going to make. I know, you probably see lots of the sex on TV and in the movies and your radio songs and such, and it's only natural for you to want to emulate that. But, please, consider that there might be someone in the room connected to your own (yes, that locked door does indeed go somewhere) that isn't fortunate enough to be in love/drunk with someone at the moment. In fact, that someone might even be a slightly depressed employee of a major auto manufacturer whose soul has been crushed by a combination of constant rejection, feelings of emptiness at work, and gray hair. That person maybe, just maybe, doesn't want to hear all about your youthful romp through his thin, lightly-textured walls.

Okay, I'm sure my pleas for you to kick it down a notch are going to fall on deaf (or plugged--I don't know what crazy stuff you kids are into these days) ears. So, if you're not going to cut it out, you could at least do me the courtesy of keeping it up (pun!) long enough for me to find a comfortable place leaning against the wall. Thanks to your clumsy, quick happy-dance, my neck really hurts.

If you would like some pointers--or just want to discuss this further--drop on in. Or, just shout through the wall. It's always good to yell out a quick "How do you think I'm doing?" or "Can you hear me now?" during your horizontal hopscotch. I'll be sure to answer right away. The only way to improve is to ask for critique.

Never you mind the fact that I have to be at an auto plant at 6 AM. You two just go right ahead and do your thing. And I'll go right along living vicariously through you.

At least for another 5 minutes.

Someone please explain why this makes sense.

Okay, just watched a comparison review of the Toyota Camry Hybrid and the Chevy Malibu Hybrid.  The Camry got better mileage, emitted less CO2, and had better performance than the Malibu.  The Malibu was about $1000 cheaper than the Camry.

However...

The Chevy Malibu also qualified for a $1500 tax break, but the Camry did not.  Why?  Wouldn't you expect the hybrid with the better mileage would get at least the same (if not a higher) tax break?  Both are made in the US... The Camry just happens to sell in (much) higher volumes.

So... Since more people want to buy the Camry Hybrid, those consumers shouldn't get the same tax break?  That's stupid.  That's why we need a new president with a serious energy policy.  An energy policy that encourages consumers and auto makers alike to innovate and improve. . .  Make the tax break based on energy savings, not sales volume.

I make a MoveOn.org invitation sound incredibly inappropriate by liberally using the word "sexy"

This is a note for you from Ellen B., another sexy MoveOn member in Covington:

Dear Sexy MoveOn member,

I'm Ellen B. and I'm your sexy neighbor in Covington. This weekend, I'm having folks over to have a sexy party and make sexy calls for Obama, and I hope you can make it!

Some of my sexy friends think we can all just relax because Obama's up in the polls. But I don't. Yesterday I saw a poll from the Associated Press that had Barack up by just one sexy point. And Barack Obama is telling his sexy folks to work like they're 20 sexy points down in the polls, so I figure that goes for all of us! I want to make sure Covington is doing our part.

So I decided to throw one of 1,000 MoveOn for Obama Sexy Parties that are happening around the country. We'll call other sexy MoveOn members in sexy swing states like Ohio, Florida, or Virginia and sign them up to help the Obama campaign get out the sexy vote in the last few, sexy days of the campaign.

Some other local sexy progressives have already signed up to come, but we still need more sexy callers! Plus, there'll be some good food to share and great sexy people to meet.

SNL can still be funny

Watch this...

My Saturday Night

It's a typical saturday night for me.

I call some friends, they're busy.  or stuck in traffic.

I go to the movies alone.  See Religulous.  I hope I'm spelling that right.  The movie was simultaneously hilarious and terrifying.  And embarrassing--especially the segments shot at the Creation Museum, found just an exit away from my place of employment on I-275W.  I recognize one scene in the movie--a plywood sign erected along the highway.  It reads, "Hell is Real."  I can't remember where I saw this sign.  Somewhere in south-west Ohio.  I was surprised to see Bill Maher omitted one of SW Ohio's great religious landmarks... surely-I thought-I would see "big butter jesus" AKA "touchdown jesus" AKA "who-left-jesus-in-the-quicksand jesus."  I didn't.  Oh well, I suppose there was enough religious fanaticism to go around.

Then, I went to a bar.  Alone.  A blue moon and a stella artois.  I think the girls behind the bar are pretty, but I don't talk to them.  I politely close my tab and leave.

I walk around the riverfront--bored.

I go to the Newport Barnes and Noble.  Browsing books, I pick up one on finding a unified field theory. Another, a book of poetry by Ani Difranco.  Feminist poetry and quantum mechanics: what more do I need?  I sit down at the Starbucks and read.  I pay too much for coffee and eat something that resembled a quiche, but isn't.  I sit in my black t shirt and Gap jeans, light blue hoodie and worn down pumas; I finish my quiche-thing, and turn to leave.  I stop at a display of political books--Obama books on the right, McCain on the left (how odd).  I spot a shirnk-wrapped copy of the New King James Bible, pocket sized travel edition.  I wonder if someone left it here intentionally.  I wonder if someone was making a statement.  I get angry.  I find it to be wonderfully disturbing that I find this Bible sitting on a stack of books about Democratic strategy.  I walk away in disgust.  I start down the escalator, spot a pretty girl in a UC hoodie starting up the escalator opposite.  If this were a romantic comedy....it isn't.

I leave.  The B&N checkout girl asks me if I've heard Ani's new album.  I tell her I haven't; that I didn't even know she had a new album.  I tell her I'll check it out.  I won't.  Maybe I will.

I leave.  Hopefully I can remember where I parked.

Obviously, I did.

Sarah Palin: Obviously not a fan of pulling out early.

Sarah Palin policy proposal or personal view on family planning?

You decide.

Next week, we take a detailed look at the possible innuendoes that can be drawn from the statement "Drill, baby, drill!"

As if I could watch the presidential debate without posting to my blog.

My comments on:

1) The Economy:

It really is quite amazing to think that a man who has spent his entire political promoting deregulation of the economy is suddenly calling for more accountability.  Sen McCain likes to go on and on and on about how he's a maverick and knows how to reform our regulatory system and get this economic crisis under control.....yet he seems to forget that the cornerstones of his economic policy (supply side--or "trickle down"--economics and deregulation) is largely responsible for the situation in which we now find ourselves.  McCain (and his chief economic advisor Lindsay "americans just need to stop whining about the economy" Graham) seem to think that the fundamentals of our economy are strong; that this problem doesn't warrant a dramatic restructuring of our regulatory system... at least he didn't earlier in the week.  Now, now that the polls are shifting out of his favor, he's changed his tune.  John McCain has proposed 300 billion dollars worth of tax cuts to major corporations (including $4B to oil companies), taxing medical benefits, and putting a spending freeze on everything except defense and veterans affairs.  Barack Obama proposes tax cuts for those earning less than $250,000 a year, closing corporate loopholes, eliminating tax cuts for oil, and taking a methodical approach to cutting government programs that don't work while strengthening those that do.  We need regulation, we need oversight, we need restraint.... but we can't afford to avoid energy, education, health care, and the like.

2) Energy: 

I want to discuss energy... but I'm too angry.  We'll talk about energy later.

3) National Security: 

John McCain thinks the biggest thing that can be learned from Iraq is that everything is fine.

John McCain thinks we shouldn't talk to our enemies without them first agreeing to whatever it is we want to talk about.

Obama thinks the biggest thing we can learn from Iraq is that we shouldn't go into a war with a country that hadn't attacked us; that an unnecessary war might actually put us in greater jeopardy.

Obama thinks diplomacy might be a good idea.

Oh, and I really want John McCain to respond to a question about Iraq without mentioning David Petraeus.

Now... we Americans like our elections to be divided into cut and dry dichotomies.... so here's one now:

John McCain is the past, Barack Obama is the future.  You can apply that distilled view of the 2008 presidential election to demographics (age and race), economic policies, energy policy, and national security.  If you firmly believe America's standing in the world isn't in need of improvement; if you think the fundamentals of our economy are strong; if you think we can use rusted tools to fix the intricate problems of the future.... you should vote for McCain.  God save this great country if he actually wins.

watch this.

Palin and Hillary on SNL

What I think as I rake leaves in my front yard.

This is kind of fun and relaxing.

This sucks.

I should have a really pretentious European party.  We can eat brie and drink wine. We can have pretentious drinking games... like... watching CNN and drinking every time they show a poor person.  No.  Watching Planet Green network and drinking every time they show a compact fluorescent light bulb, compost, Whole Foods, rain collection barrels, solar panels; or anytime someone mentions carbon footprint, Energy Star Appliances, green, or how being green is sooo 'easy' (plus one drink for the word 'green').

Hmm... I need to compost these leaves... it really is quite easy.

I'VE GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!

I need a band aid.

My lawn needs mowed... I'll do it tomorrow.

This really sucks.

I'm thirsty.

Wait... My shop vac has a detachable blower...  Why am I using a rake when I could be using a blower?

Wow, this blower really doesn't work very well.  What a waste of time.

My lawn actually looks worse now. . . crap.

I'm hungry.

Bigger is not Better

This morning, I'm sitting on my couch watching "Motorweek" on PBS.  Yeah, I'm that cool.  This week's review: The new Honda Fit.  What separates the new Honda Fit from its past brethren? 

Yup, it's bigger.

This is a trend that has been going on for, well, ever.  The new Fit is larger than the first generation Accord.  The new Accord is bigger than, um, a small battleship.  The original Toyota Camry is smaller than today's Corolla (by a scant 0.4 in).  The Mazda MX5: bigger than the previous Miata.

External dimensions don't particularly bother me, though.  Sure, smaller cars are more fun to drive and easier to park... Big deal.

The offender is not size, but weight.  The tiny corolla is considered svelte at a mere 2700-2900 lbs (which is actually quite good).  Compare that to the even smaller Fit: 2500-2600 lbs.  A Porsche 911: 3494 lbs.  3500lbs for a sports car?  That's grown quite a bit from the original 911's 2200 lbs.  Granted, I'd rather be in the modern day Porsche in an accident--that 1960's 911 wouldn't fare too well against a Chevy Suburban.  

Why is weight a big deal?  Let's take a look at Mr. Newton's 2nd law of motion.  

"The acceleration of an object as produced by a net force is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force, in the same direction as the net force, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object."

This is more commonly simplified into the equation, Force = mass * acceleration.  There you have it.  Increase the mass, and you need more force to go.  In a car, that means less responsive steering, longer braking distances, and more gas.  

Now, naysayers will be sure to counter.  Sure, today's cars handle much, much better than their older (and lighter) counterparts... and they're faster, too.   But think how much faster, better they'd be if they weighed less...  And they'd use a lot less fuel.  

There it is.  If we want to save fuel (and reduce CO2), we need lighter vehicles.  Hybrids, electrics, diesels are all good... but we could add serious mpg by chopping off a few lbs.  

I'm not suggesting cutting out safety features (air bags, seat belts...they all add weight).  Given that, what do we do?  Make smaller cars (or at the very least, stop making them bigger).  The use of new technology (high strength steel, composites, plastics) can help, but they also may increase price.  Make more small cars.  Save money, save gas, have more fun (and still be safe).

You are cordially invited...

Dear Friend,

You are cordially invited to what will surely be one of the most magical of occasions: The 1st Annual Matt Decker Wood Chipper Ball.

Come join us for an exciting evening of dance, music, fine wine, and disposing of fallen tree branches.

Bring that special someone with you, and mulch away the evening together.

The party starts at 7PM, so don't be late.  Please bring your own wood chipper.

PS: This has nothing to do with the tree that was blown down in my back yard by the remnants of Hurricane Ike.

I (unsuccessfully) discuss two unrelated news stories, OR, "you can put lipstick on a pig, but that doesn't make it a planet-devouring black hole"

If you've been watching TV, listening to the radio, reading newspapers (as if anyone did that anymore), looking at legitimate blogs, looking at illegitimate blogs, etc... you've probably heard the (phony) outrage over Barack Obama's recent comment about the art of combining lipstick and pigs.  It goes something like this..

"That's not change.  You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig."

I'm paraphrasing... you get the idea.

Simple, common enough statement...right?  Perfectly innocent bit of good ol' American folkiness intended to make someone who's obviously an arrugla-loving, latte-sipping, volvo-driving, east coast tax and spend liberal appear down to earth to us ig'nrent common folk?  Apparently not.  Turns out, it's actually a horribly sexist comment about a certain former Mayor and PTA member of Wasilla, AK!  Boy, (girl?) it sure is a good thing that the Republicans are out there looking out for women's rights!!!

This has got to be one of the most ridiculous cases of false outrage I've ever seen.  Anyone who actually believes Obama was making some snarky reference to Ms Palin's side-splitting zinger about hockey moms and pitbulls is, well, an idiot.  The distinguished Senator from Arizona demands an apology from Obama.  Surprisingly, he's not demanding apologies from the following people:

1) Himself.  Using "the phrase" in reference to Hillary Clinton's health care plan earlier this year was horribly offensive and deeply hurt Sarah Palin's feelings.

2) Dick Cheney.  Using "the phrase" in reference to John Kerry back in 2004 was about as anti-women as it gets.

3) Barack Obama (again).  He's used "it" quite a bit.  THAT must've been his problem with Hillary voters. . .

4) Patrick O'Malley (pig farmer and lipstick aficionado). Really likes putting lipstick on pigs.

If you actually--deep down in your oh so tender heart--believe that Governor Palin deserves an apology... you deserve to be taken to Switzerland and thrown underground right in the middle of CERN's Large Hadron Collider, where you'll be bombarded by tiny particles traveling at the speed of light for the rest of eternity.

Yeah... CERN (the European Organization for Nuclear Research... which apparently gives the acronym C E R N... France, this is why you can't win wars) just flipped the proverbial switch on the multi-billion dollar (slightly less multi-billion euro) Large Hadron Collider--the biggest particle collider IN THE WORLD!  It's a big, round thingy under ground that collides Hadrons, obviously... And it ain't one of those sissy hadron colliders you had in kindergarten. Oh no no no... this one is LARGE.  Some people were all freaked out because it COULD have created a mini black hole that probably would have devoured the Earth.  But, it didn't.  Technically, it COULD have also created a magical flying dragon.  That would have been much neater.

Anyway... Since the Republicans obviously aren't going to let this pig-lipstick (I'm calling it Pigstick-gate) thing go, what can Barack Obama possibly say in its place?

Here are some suggestions:

1) "You can put windmills in your campaign commercials, but that doesn't mean you have anything in your energy policy that would even remotely promote their construction."

2) "You can put lipstick on a pitbull, but that doesn't make it someone who should be one heartbeat away from the presidency after being governor for 20 months of a state of 600,000 and mayor of a town of 9,000." (probably shouldn't use that one)

3) "You can say you said 'thanks but no thanks' to a bridge but that doesn't mean you didn't support it and eventually take the money anyway... No... on second thought, please stop saying that.  I'm really, REALLY, tired of hearing about it."

4) "You can call yourself a Maverick, but that doesn't make you a Top Gun... And, seriously, you probably should avoid any potential comparisons to Tom Cruise at all costs.  He's wacko."

5) "I could say something folksey about doing one thing to something else and it not making any difference, but instead I'm going to have an intelligent discussion about how I'm going to fix the economy, solve the energy question, secure our nation, cure cancer, feed the hungry, heal lepers, and turn water into wine--that can eventually be turned into ethanol fuel."

6) "You can fein outrage over a stupid statement thus diverting media airtime from real issues, but that doesn' t mean your party has done anything to advance women's rights... and it doesn't mean  you people weren't making sexist comments about Hillary throughout the democratic primary (I'm looking at you, Fox News)."

7) "You can write a bunch of crap on a blog on the internet, but that doesn't mean anyone will ever read it."

What I'm thinking as I watch the Belgian Grand Prix (with commercials)

Damn... belgium is pretty.

I want to move to belgium.

WOW! Excellent start for Jarno Trulli in the Toyota. Go Toyota!

Dammit, Trulli. Why can't you keep your car on the F*ing road. Toyota sucks.

YEAAAAAAH KIMI!!!! GO GO GO GO GO YEAHHH!!!!

I hate this stupid Castrol GTX commercial. Hate it. It's stupid.

I wish I had a cool Finnish name like Kimi Raikkonen or Heikki Kovalainen.

Wow... Belgium is really, really pretty.

I need more coffee.

I want a Ferrari. Why don't I have a Ferrari?

Wow... Hamilton... Really? You're pitting already?? Man, that's unfortunate.

Well done, Ferrari. Nice pit stop.

You suck, Trulli. Toyota needs drivers that don't suck.

Wow. Sebastian Bourdais' wife is hot.

I wish I were a Formula 1 race car driver.

This is WAAAAAAAAAY better than NASCAR. Why don't more Americans like this? Is it because it's European? That must be it.

Why would I want to watch a TV show about truckers driving on ice? And what the hell does that have to do with history? Come on, History Channel... I'm very disappointed in you.

wraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabwraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa beuuuu beuuuu beuuuu pqheawwwww wraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that's what a F1 car sounds like)

Stupid wrangler jeans commercial. I hate Dale Earnhardt Jr. NASCAR is stupid. Stupid.

*thought in a french accent* Spa Francorchamps.

Your mom has a bit too much heat in HER tires. Booya!

Wooooooo ferrari!

Rain? Yes, please rain. please please please please please.

Whoever says racecar drivers (at least at this level of motorsport) aren't atheletes obviously doesn't know what it's like to have 5 times the force of gravity pushing on one side of your head, then switching to the other in about .3 seconds....19 times a lap, 40~50 laps in a race. I'm pretty sure that would make my head fall off. Nevermind the task of wrangling a 1200 lb car with 900 break horsepower and 3000 lb of downforce around a 4.5 mile circuit. No wonder these guys get paid a million dollars a week.

Noooooo... Go Kimi! Hamilton is catching up to you! GO GO GO GO GO!

258 km/hr... how fast is that..? 160.313768 mph. Thank's google.

160.313768 mph is awfully fast to be going around a corner.

Yes, KIMI! FASTER FASTER FASTER!

Ugh... Toyota... Why? Why can't you not suck?

6 laps to go... and it might be raining?? Wheeeeeeee!

Nooo Kimi. GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!

Raaaaaaaaaaaaain?

Wow... it is raining.... with 3 laps to go!!!

NOOOOOOONONONONONONONONONONONO! awww... man.

C'mon Raikkonen.... GO GO GO GO GO. PASS HAMILTON!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOOOO NOOOOOO!!!!!~!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OHHNOOOOO AWWWWWW NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... 2 LAPS TO GO AND KIMI CRASHES!!!! STUPID RAIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

holy god, it's raining hard. 1 lap to go, can't stop for wet tires!

Ugh. Well, I guess that was a good race for Hamilton and McLaren....

Wow. Nick Heidfeld. 3rd place after switching to intermediate tires. Nicely done.

Wow. Alonso pass for 4th at the line. neat.

Pooor, poor kimi. poor kimi. :( I guess that's probably means you won't be getting your 2nd World Championship this year. :.( Boooo.

At least Massa finished 2nd for Ferrari... I guess that's good.

Good job, Lewis Hamilton. You are quite a driver. Simply amazing.

Cool. The President of the Belgian Senate (and presenter of the 1st Place trophy) is named Decker. Neat.

Good job Felipe Massa. Indeed.

I really want to spray champagne over a screaming crowd. Is that too much to ask?

I want an otter.

I mean... who doesn't?

No.. no.. no..

Dear Republicans/Fox News commentators:

You cannot personally make sexist comments about Hillary Clinton, then complain about sexism in the media when you field a woman.

You cannot call a governor who was mayor of Richmond, Lt Gov of Virginia, and then Governor of Virginia for 20 months dangerous inexperienced, then nominate the mayor of Wasila and Governor of Alaska for 20 months.

You cannot complain about moral bankruptcy associate with teenage pregnancy, then tell everyone to back off when your Veep nominee has a pregnant daughter.

Maybe you should start watching The Daily Show.  You really do look like idiots.

Kisses,

Decker.

PS: Please stop lying about Barack Obama's taxation policies.  The people at factcheck.org are probably getting tired of correcting you.

Huckabee Confessions?

Breaking news from the Republican National Convention.  Mike Huckabee just made a startling revelation about his past--especially when taken out of context.

"It wasn't until college that I found out that it's not supposed to hurt when you take a shower."

Other highlights:

McCain was a POW. 

"He can't even lift his arms above his shoulder," Huckabee on McCain.

Obligatory mention of "Hope, Arkansas" in Mike Huckabee's speech.

Oh, there's a black guy!

Mike Huckabee promises John McCain will let you have as much or as little air in your tires as you want.

Guy dressed as Abraham Lincoln? check.

Republicans like cowboy hats.

John McCain PERSONALLY fought the VietCong for Mike Huckabee's school desk. True story.

Mitt Romney successfully accepted the GOP nomination for president in 2012.

Mitt Romney mentioned Ronald Regan.

Mitt Romney is kind of a dick.

Mitt Romney doesn't care, he's gonna go be president of his own country.

My cat is meowing. A lot.

Hawaii's governor is a woman and a Republican.  Apparently she was too qualified to be vice president.

Sarah Palin gave a speech about energy (read: oil) AND gave birth to a baby in the SAME DAY.  (Beat that, Biden!)

The Republicans are shouting "zero."  I'm not really sure why.  I kinda zoned out and started reading my friend Eli's blog- Link. 

Sarah Palin's term as mayor of Wasilla, AK and 20 months as governor makes her qualified to be President--more qualified than John McCain.

"You can fit 200 states the size of Delaware in the state of Alaska." (Take THAT, Biden!)

"Sarah Palin can reach out to independents, young people, and women" by being staunchly against everything they stand for.

Washington is broken... McCain has been meaning to fix it... he just hasn't gotten around to it yet.

PBS likes talking to historians to place tonight's speeches in an historical context.  pinkos.

Woah... another black guy.

Rudy Giuliani mentions "liberal media."

Obligatory "USA, USA" chants.

Rudy Giuliani mentions Ronald Regan.

Rudy Giuliani is making fun of Barack Obama "working" as a "community organizer"

Rudy Giuliani is kind of a dick.

Hey, there's an old white guy.

"Hope is dumb" -Rudy Giuliani (paraphrased).

Rudy Giuliani thinks all followers of Islam are terrorists?!?

Rudy Giuliani mentions 9/11 (WE HAVE A WINNER!!!)

Rudy Giuliani mentions Ronald Regan.

Being popular makes you qualified for president--but only if you're a republican governor.

Sarah Palin's husband races "snow machines."

ugh... I can't do this.

Brilliant.

GOP to add Anti-Moose Plank to Party Platform

(ST. PAUL)
In what many are considering a groundbreaking move, the GOP announced Tuesday that they would be adopting an Anti-Moose plank into their official party platform. This marks the first time in modern history that a major political party has taken a stand against a specific land-based mammal. Presumptive GOP Vice-Presidential nominee Gov Sarah Palin spoke to a cheering convention hall on Tuesday.

"Many consider the great and majestic moose to be the number one threat to national security. It is about time someone did something about that!" The Governor said, proudly wearing a tasteful pantsuit made of moose skins and polar-bear feet. "Senators Barack Obama and Joe Biden just don't have what it takes to address the moose problem in America. Who does? I do. A working mother from Alaska. Yup yup," she continued.

John McCain spent today meeting with the governors of gulf states affected by Hurricane Gustav. He addressed this specific issue in a speech given before a convention of the National Association of Catfish Farmers in Tupelo, MS.

"My friends, if there is one thing we can all agree on--from laid-off factory workers in Cleveland to struggling farmers in Iowa--it's that there are too many moose, er, mooses? miece? Any animal with such an ambiguous plural form just isn't American. My friends, where was I? Oh yes, thank you. My friends, I'm not suggesting Barack Obama would tax your American flags and give the money to Big Moose...but that's exactly what he would do. That's not change you can believe in. My friends." McCain then embarked on a long and wandering story about how "kids these days" and "confounded machines" just don't get it.

Analysts on both sides of the isle are mixed in their response. David Brooks, conservative columnist for the New York Times, responded with a befuddled gaze when asked for comment. Republican strategist and Fox News contributor William Kristol lauded the decision as being "brilliant" and "awe inspiring." Democratic stratigist James Carville could not be understood.

The Obama campaign is expected to officially respond later today, when Barack Obama plans to descend from the heavens upon a fallen moose and resurrect it.

Moose representatives could not be reached for comments.

My very own blogosphere on the internets.

Well... The time has finally come for me to enter the 21st Century...  I've become part of the blogosphere, the blogocube, the blogododecahedron, and even the blogothunderdome.  Yes, folks, that's right... I now have a blog.  

"But, what does that mean for me?" you ask.

Seriously?  That's your question.  This is my blog; maybe you should focus a little less on me and start focusing more on me.  There, much better.

So... what will you find here?  Probably more than a few political posts, stuff I feel like writing that you probably won't care about, things that amuse me, things that don't amuse me.  Yes, the occasional robot story may grace these digital pages as well.

Enjoy.  

Or don't... I don't really care. 

(I do care.  Please enjoy.)