Things my cat will eat, in order of preference.

Things my cat will eat (in order of preference).

1. Plastic bags

2. Plastic, other

3. Houseplants

4. Toilet paper rolls, full

5. My MacBook*

6. My calves, when I first wake up (the earlier, the better)

7. Important bills/tax documents

8. Toilet paper rolls, bare

9. Paper, miscellaneous

10. Rice flakes cereal

11. Bugs, spiders, spiderwebs**

12. Cardboard boxes

13. Miniature Transformers action figures

14. That overpriced pet grass that supposedly will keep cats from eating houseplants

15. Anything I'm eating

16. Cat food

*Includes MacBook magnetic power cord.

**Unless I actually want him to eat a spider.

Some Lima, OH related plot ideas for the new FOX musical comedy "Glee."

Wednesday night, Fox aired the pilot episode of a new musical comedy (which won't actually air again until the fall. Clearly, Fox is thinking). The new show, entitled "Glee," chronicles the "glee club" at a high school set in the fictional city of Lima, OH. (Or is it a fictional highschool set in the real city of Lima, OH? I didn't actually watch the show.)

As a former fictional resident of that fictional city, it is my civic duty to suggest some plot ideas that will tie the show to the rich heritage that is Lima.

Episode 101: Beans.

Faced with a dwindling economy, declining population, increased crime, failing schools, and crumbling infrastructure, the Glee club must search for a way to revitalize itself. The club considers a number of potential options, before finally settling on one clear winner: choosing a mascot. "Clearly, a mascot is what this club is missing. It will solve all our problems."

The mascot is a giant bean, who may or may not be stoned. Beanie.

Episode 112: No, seriously guys, everyone will get this.

The Glee club sings at Square Fair while eating Kewpees outside of Memorial Hall before taking a dip in the Schoonover Park pool. After that, the gang grabs some Joey's subs, then splits up. Some get caught snooping around the abandoned TB hospital. Others hang out near the refinery for no apparent reason. Someone gets pregnant.

The next day, the show is cancelled for airing an entire episode about things no one outside of Lima would care about.

Episode 104: The new guy.

Ratings falling, the shows producers bring on a new character: an extremely attractive, intelligent, and funny cellist/actor. He is incredibly awesome and obviously saves the Glee club with is immeasurable talents. Also, he is rich and has a lot of sex with hot girls. In the future, we seem in win an Academy Award, Nobel Peace Prize, and a Grammy (just for the hell of it). He saves the world and makes (even more) money by inventing a car that runs on sarcasm.

Also, he hangs out a lot with Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, and Tina Fey. Oh, and there's lots of sex.

I'll take my royalty checks any day now.

Thanks.

Pick Fives you won't find on Facebook.

• Five favorite STDs.
• Five favorite irrational numbers.
• Five terrifying things found under the couch in that disgusting house you lived in senior year of college.
• Top five ways to count to five.
• Five favorite facebook pick fives.

Mythbusters: Please investigate the myth, Kari Byron will you go out with me?

Dear Mythbusters (Adam, Jamie, Tori, Grant, and Kari):

You are always asking your loyal viewers (me) to submit myths for you to investigate. Here is one to which I think you might want to devote an entire episode. The myth is as follows:

Kari Byron, will you go out with me?

This is a classic myth, most likely originating from colonial America (or possibly while sitting on the couch with my cat on a particularly lonely saturday night). In this myth, a young man (me, Matt Decker) asks your very own Kari Byron to accompany him on a romantic outing. Kari then replies in the affirmative, and the two have a delightful evening. They have dinner at a local mediterranean restaurant, take in a show at an underground theatre, then stop off for drinks at a nearby bar. The myth ends with the possibility of a second date (please?).

Here are some suggestions on how you may want to break down this myth, and present it to your television viewers (me).

Part 1: Does Kari Byron exist?

-Since Kari is one of the Mythbusters, this should be fairly easy. MYTH CONFIRMED.

Part 2: Asking Kari on a date?

-This is more complicated--and potentially dangerous. Someone will have to ask her out. You could have Tori stand in as a stunt double, but that might be risky. I suggesting using some kind of "human analog," such as a pig carcass, ballistics gel mold, Buster the crash test dummy, or me (Matt Decker). Will she say yes? Well... I'm not a complete waste of a person, so, let's say "Plausible."

Part 3: Will they have a delightful evening?

-You will need to test the scientific basis for an enjoyable date. Not exactly sure how to go about it... but I would imagine it involves Grant building some robots. Alternatively, you could send Kari Byron on a date with me (Matt Decker). Grant's robots can come, too (but no third wheels).

Part 4: Adam and Jamie blow something up.

-Every myth seems to end in tiny bits scattered around the Alameda Sheriff's bomb range. Now, I'm not suggesting the explosion would be a metaphor for anything (I'm not that kind of guy, thank you very much). Just blow something up. It makes for good TV. Plus, I know how much Kari enjoys seeing things blow up. Some might even call it romantic (no one would call it romantic).

Well, Mythbusters, there you have it. A classic, timeless myth broke down into 4 easily presented segments. All that remains is for you to take the challenge (Please? I promise I'm not creepy. Really, I'm a really nice guy. Consider it?).

Sincerely,

Matt Decker.