Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Did you know President Obama's trip to India costs $200 million per day?

Fox News is "reporting" that President Obama's trip to India costs an astounding $200 million per day!

Here's what $200 million/day gets you on a trip to India:

40 planes
30 bomb-sniffing dogs
34 warships
1 aircraft carrier
6 armored cars
500 rooms at the Taj Mahal hotel
An entourage of 3000
The cast of HBO's "Entourage"
5 golden rings
Hourly wage for Hank Azaria to translate all speeches into the voice of Apu
A week's worth of Mc Rib sandwiches, flown in daily on the space shuttle
Daily Death Panel tax (Part of the new health care bill!!!1)
The only iPhone 4 that works regardless of how you hold it (Obama doesn't want to miss out on any exciting tweets.)
Free tech support. For life..

It's on the internet, it must be true!

Thanks, Fox News!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Essential viewing for those learning to drive...

This should be a required viewing prior to taking any drivers' license exam... anywhere... at any age.

Thanks Jalopnik!

And while you're visiting Jalopnik.... be sure to check out this unemployed robot hilariousness. It's good times for all.
Jalopnik, again.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Your Friendly Guide to Robots Comments Section: your source for unsolicited chinese video chat links!

Ladies and gentlemen!
Come one, come all... to the greatest collection of unsolicited porn links the internet has ever seen..

Okay, that's probably not true... but... still... have you checked out my comments? There's a lot of chinese porn links in there. From now on, I'm going to assume a large percentage of my readership is in the asian porn market and custom tailor my content to match. Where can you go to find "online most sexy and most gentle host are all here, waiting to meet with you, with video chat" (thanks google translate!)? Probably a number of places better than this blog. Some of them might even have pictures!

Now I know I haven't exactly been good about updating this blog, or writing about stuff people want to read, or even posting coherent passages that could be considered to fall within the category of "writing," but that's all about to change. Now. Starting with this.

My first in a series of (let's say 1) advice columns for asian video chant porn sites.

****Today's topic: What not to put in your sexy video chat profile.*****
I'm not one to contradict the "Candid Taiwan University," but there are some things that just don't belong in a performer's profile. Age (even if fake), height, measurements... sure, these all belong and are expected. Favorite color? Why not. Blood type? No. Listen, you don't need to include your blood type in your sexy video chat online profile. It really isn't necessary. I don't often look at a woman and think "Oh man, that is some sexy O-negative." Really, it does not need to be there; it's kind of creepy. If I saw a web page advertising "hot B- on AB+ action" I probably wouldn't click on it (okay, I would, but that's not the point). If I were looking for a site connecting kidney donors with perspective patients, yes. If I'm looking for a "Student body moving charming sister, usually nice, and sometimes naughty and mischievous," no...

And on an unrelated note... I do NOT want to know what you're going to do with that bottle of green tea.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Welcome to the future.

NASCAR recently announced it would introduce fuel injection for the 2011 season. Car of Tomorrow, welcome to today (if today were 1980).

Here are some other advancements on the way:

Transistor radios
Cable television
Ladies... in the workplace
Electronic typewriters
Cordless phones
and... uh... let's say Pasteurization

I don't like NASCAR. I guess that's what I'm getting out.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Ways in which the world will NOT end, according to the movie "2012"

1. Gay Marriage

2. Giant radioactive arctic spiders

3. Single-Payer health care systems

4. The 2nd Coming of Christ

5. 16 year old girls getting dumped

6. The 3rd Coming of Christ

7. Cap and Trade legislation

8. Teenage pregnancy pacts

9. Giant Mayan bird-god thing

10. Plausible scientific phenomena

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I finally finish installing Windows 7 Release Candidate 214 days later.

And now... the exciting conclusion.

Windows 7 Release Candidate install journal, day 214.
Installation status bar finally reached 100%.

It was a hard journey, and I thank my friends and family for their constant support. The numerous food and care packages I have received during this arduous process were greatly appreciated. The days were long, the task at hand sometimes grueling. Manually reformatting my hard drive with a pen knife and twine took practice and patience. Personal information was sacrificed, such as:
My social security number
Date of Birth
Complete genome
Name of first pet.
I now have had the pleasure of using windows 7 for 5 minutes since the completing the install, and I must say the results are incredible. The sacrifices to my job performance, relationships with family and friends, upkeep on my house, and personal hygiene were definitely worth the improvement in virtual memory management and graphics rendering over windows vista.

I now look forwards to showering, clearing the mounds of mountain dew cans and moldy cheetos, and showering again.

Also, you would not believe the new version of Solitaire they have on this. It is wicked awesome!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I attempt to instal the Windows 7 Release Candidate

Fed up with Windows Vista, I decided it was time to see what all this Windows 7 fuss is about. Haven't heard of Windows 7? Yeah, me neither. Nevertheless, I'm throwing caution to the wind and installing it on my PC (don't worry Apple fans, my MacBook is safe).

Turns out, Microsoft is practically giving away free copies of Windows 7 (in the sense that they are actually giving away free copies) for trial before the official release. I downloaded mine sunday night.

There are two versions-- x86 (for 32-bit processors) and x64 (for 64-bit processors). Turns out, I actually have a 64 bit processor.... So I'll be installing that. wheeeee.

First thing's first: I backed up my music, movies, and photos onto my 1 TB external HD. Sorry, saved games. You get to experience the wrath of a reformat.

Yes, that R word. Reformat. When 64-bit processors first came out, the device support wasn't all that great... so I went with the 32-bit Vista. You can upgrade from a 32-bit vista install to a 32-bit Windows 7 install without reformatting... but you can't go 32 to 64. That's okay... I needed to clean my hard drive anyway. . .

The download comes in the form of an .ISO file. You need some kind of DVD burning software to write an .ISO to DVD. I used a freebie from The burning was surprisingly quick.

Next step was to restart the computer and boot from the DVD drive. After a brief wait, a pretty blue screen (not of death) appeared. After a rather longish wait, a dialogue box greeted me. What language? English, please.

And that brings us all up to date with everything that has happened up to this point. Comments will now be in real time.

I'm now presented with a dialogue box prompting me to install. I have a big button "Install Now" and two smaller text links ("What to know before installing Windows," and "Repair your computer"). Guess which one I chose.

"Setup is starting..."

I like that Microsoft chose to tag an ellipse onto that. Gives a sense of anticipation.

Now, I wait. Holy crap! something just happened.

"Please read the license terms." Um, no. I'll just blindly click "I accept" like everyone else.

Good news, Everybody! apparently I don't have to reformat. Windows 7 installer will just copy all my vista files into something called Windows.old. I think this is kind of like what the bankruptcy courts did to GM and Chrysler. . . Just think of Vista as my PC's "toxic assets."

Now... more waiting. A lot more waiting. Many more ellipses, too. No estimate on how long the installation will take. Glad Microsoft finally gave up on that.

Time to take out the recycling and possibly fold laundry. I'll let you, my faithful reader (singular), know how things turn out (with the windows... not the laundry).