Can I call you Rick? Good. You and me, we go way back. You're CEO and Chairman of General Motors--and presumably have been working in the auto industry for quite some time--and I'm a low level engineer with one of your major competitors. Clearly we're cut from the same stuff.
I've been watching you (and your buddies Al and Bob) go before Congress on hands and knees asking for money. Now, it seems like you might just get some $15B in walkin' around money. Not bad. So, now that you've been saved from bankruptcy (which, from your testimony I have to assume would result in the destruction of everything we hold dear), I bet you're beside yourself trying to figure out what to do with the money. Here are some ideas on how you and your fellow execs can pull yourself out of this nasty mess.
1: EVERY BODY GETS A CAR!
Oprah did it. I don't exactly know how this would help... but I'm not one to second-guess Oprah.
2: Get 'em hooked, then make 'em come back for more.
It works for drug dealers, it should work for you. Listen, you can't just give them your goods upfront. Give them a taste... maybe a wheel or a catalytic converter as a teaser. Then ratchet things up with the heavier stuff... I'm talking engine and transmission, maybe laced with some fuel lines. Trust me... they'll be back.
Also, you could just put a kilo of cocaine in every glove box.
3: Oh, sorry, that's extra.
If you want to get people into your showrooms, you're going to have to either lure them in with product or deals. How does a $1200 Cadillac sound? Pretty enticing eh? Here let me draw up the papers... Okay, you want paint? That's a $10,000 extra. Headlamps? 4 grand. Steering wheel? $950. See... See how easy it is?
4: Make less cars.
So... people aren't buying cars right now? Maybe you should stop making them for a little while. Or... at least stop making more than you can sell. Who actually thought making a bunch of cars people don't want to buy was a good idea? Really. You overproduce, force the extra inventory on your dealers, discount the crap out of the cars so they'll sell... and then complain that you're not making money. Stop that.
Oh, and while you're at it... how about cutting some dealers. Maybe having a bunch of dealers competing against each other for a shrinking market share isn't a good idea. You really don't need a Chevy dealer on every block.
Oh, and while you're at it... cut some brands, too. You don't really need Hummer (to gassy), Saab (too sweedish, too not Volvo), GMC (they make trucks, right?), Buick (I mean, no one's going to buy one now that Tiger Woods is no longer in your ads), and Pontiac. Keep Saturn (youth brand), Chevrolet (every-man brand), and Cadillac (luxury brand). Hmm... 3 brands like that... sounds like another automaker I know. . .
Wait... Pontiac.. you should probably keep the Pontiac Vibe... I mean, that's really just a Toyota Matrix... Toyota is good people (in my completely unbiased opinion).
5: Keep blaming the Union... it's easier than admitting your own faults.
Everyone is blaming the UAW for your problems, why shouldn't you? Get rid of the unions. No.. wait.. go one step further: get rid of ALL your workers. You're always talking about how your labor costs are making your cars cost too much (which is CLEARLY why people are buying)... I cannot think of a better way to avoid that mass unemployment that would come from a failure of one of the (not so) Big Three than laying off your entire work force.
6: File for bankrupt---er-- I mean...
Listen: Bankruptcy would actually force you to do the restructuring you actually need to do... The only downside: no one will buy cars from a bankrupt automaker. The solution: don't call it bankruptcy. Call it... "Cheeseburger Happy Fun" Everyone wants to buy a car from a "Cheeseburger happy fun" automaker. See... problem fixed.
Welp... there you have it, Rick. 6 steps you can take to lead you to a brighter future. Try it. It'll work, I promise.....
Kisses:
Decker
PS: Have you seen that new Toyota Venza? Man... what a nice looking vehicle. You really should buy one.
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