Tips to avoiding pig flu.

Hi everybody!

Here are some exciting tips to avoid nasty pig flu badness.

1) Wash your hands. A lot. Every half-hour, on the half-hour. And not with tap water. Only use distilled water or rain water and grain alcohol. The fluoridation in the water is a key part of the communist pig flu conspiracy.

2) Burn everything you own. That'll show them. That'll show ALL of them.

3) Stop eating ham, pork chops, bacon, Canadian bacon (ham), Mexican bacon (especially MEXICAN bacon), pork rinds, copies of Charlotte's Web, Porky the Pig dolls, piggy banks, VHS copies of Porky's, Porky's II, and Porky's III: Porky's Revenge.

4) Get bird flu.

5) Run out in the streets screaming and flailing your arms. This will eliminate any chance of person-to-person transmission of the virus (or person-to-person dating).

6) Twite a tweet on twitter twabout twaking a twip two twee twour twoctor twor a twu twaccine.

7) Write a passionately worded letter to your congressman (or congresswoman) explaining how you are just trying to help by sending them a vial of what may or may not be the swine flu virus. They will appreciate this.

8) Throw tea in the nearest body of water. Everybody's doing it, so it must be good for something, right? I mean, it's not like they're just being mindless dittoheads feigning rage and carrying out a completely meaningless protest devoid of even the slightest understanding of symbolism...

9) Be an ass. People will avoid you.

10) Saran wrap. All over your body.

Your Friendly Guide to Robots' guide to avoiding the inevitable robot uprising.

you can't.

suckers.

Earth Day post.

Your Friendly Guide to Robots' List of Earth Day Activities:

1) Buy a Prius. Seriously. I promise the 2010 Prius isn't a transformer that will transform into a giant robot programed to lecture you on low-flow shower heads.... before enslaving the human race. I promise.

2) Compost... something. It doesn't matter what. Compost your neighbor's dog. Every time you compost something, a polar bear doesn't die. You don't want to kill polar bears, DO YOU?

3) Solve Global Warming. We'd all really appreciate it if you got on that one right away.

4) Don't shave. 364 days a year: you're lazy. 1 day a year: you're conserving water.

5) Give a slide show. You're going to want to get yourself a copy of Keynote (part of the 2009 iWork suite), put together a few dozen dramatic slides, then tour the country. I guarantee you'll win an Oscar, Nobel Prize, Grammy, Emmy, Pulitzer, and World's Greatest Dad... but not the Presidency. Sorry.

6) Recycle. Reusing old jokes counts, too.

7) Convert your cat's personal Hummer H2 to run on biofuel. Listen, house cats are our nation's number one consumer of petroleum products. It's time we woke up and did something about this.

8) Make a lame list. Double points if you make it about stuff to do on Earth day at 8:00 PM, when it is the least relevant. Triple points if you type everything in green.

9) Struggle to come up with a list of 10 things when you're tired and aren't really in a particularly witty mood... when you're just doing this because you feel like you should post something seeing as it's been about a month since you've last posted. You're really not very good at this blogging thing, are you?

10) Plant some organic tomatoes. Delicious.

New from The Weather Channel: 15 minute updates online.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I would like to introduce to you the latest innovation in weather obsession: the weather channel 15 minute forecast. Tired of having to schedule your life around the weather on an hourly basis? Need to know if that rain is going to start at 8:30 or 8:45? Well, the good folks at weather.com have the solution.

Now, instead of TWC being wrong about sunny skies from 8 AM to 9 AM, they can be wrong about sunny skies at 8:00, 8:15, 8:30, 8:45, and 9:00!

Innovation is great!

comedy jokes--UCB takes on Prius backlash

The Upright Citizens Brigade (sketch comedy/improv troupe) in a fake car ad.

PS: Buy a prius.

Latest Casualty of the Economic Crisis? I hope so!

I'm not one to wish doom on anyone (other than, perhaps, Howie Mandel--as indicated in the previous post.... or Rush Limbaugh--as will most likely be indicated in a future post/daily conversation/cries of anger in my sleep). Today, though, I'm making an exception.

In these hard economic times, we don't know which hallowed financial institution will be next to fail. Will it be CitiGroup? Bank of America? What about Charles Schwab? I hope it's Charles Schwab. No, my ill will towards Charlie S has nothing to do with their investing practices (which I know nothing about), their management, their employees... I'm not even suggesting the Charles Schwab Corporation is in trouble. No, I want Chuck to go away because I simply can't bear to watch their commercials any more. ugh.

Seriously. They're really creepy. I think you will all agree.

That is NOT "Howie" do it...

Listen, Howie Mandel... I was okay with you hosting deal vs deal, or who wants to be a banker... or whatever the hell that show was called.... but your latest endeavour? Please stop.

thanks.

Oh, and I did spell "endeavour" with a u. That's how strongly I feel about this issue.

Stop. just stop. Now.

thanks again.